Clint Punch - The Manliest Blog EVER: The Manliest Man in Britain

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

The Manliest Man in Britain

Generally, the British are a bit on the 'poonce' side of things aren't they? Renaissance ruffs and pissy royalty and all the other pussy-things that the British have! BUT, I happened to view Blackadder 2 the other day and came across none other than the manliest man in Britain. Think of a British Chuck Norris. Yes, that's right. Lord Flashheart. VIEW!

So, where did he kick ass?

WHERE DIDN'T HE KICK ASS?

WHOOOHF!

Manly points that Lord Flashheart covers:

Dirty jokes
Sweet entrances
Loud exclamations
Appreciation for beards
Steals bitches
HEADBUTTS
Makes shit explode

Truly, we need some more Flashheart in this world!

I've assembled a new manly superteam, in fact. 5 members. 5 ASS-KICKING members. That's:

1.Chuck Norris – For killing anything, everything and something at the same time. As if that needed an explanation.
2.David Hasselhoff – For choking animals that get in the way. It is little known that Hoff actually got the role in Knight Rider by not only building the car himself out of old newspapers and tabasco sauce, but he also trained all the animals on the show. That is, Hoff's definition of 'trained'. (Which is throwing a train at the animals. Effective? Well, it was a sweet show, right?)
3.Vin Diesel – For taking care of kids, (a la The Pacifier) then headbutting them so hard they turn into discount coupons for laundromats. (Which Vin uses, because he likes soft clothes and SAVINGS.)
4.Lord Flashheart – For breaking bitches and loud noises.
5.Billy Zane – Uhhhh, for what else? Takin' names, makin' blames, kickin' ass with class and breakin' bitches with a baseball bat made of uranium.

And it'll be led by a sweet manly robot called... Jag Cliff.

Shit, that's manly.

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Manly Men

Chuck Norris
Vin Diesel - I heard that once a lady asked Vin Diesel for his autograph, for her son. He reached into the ground, pulled out a live rattlesnake, twisted it like a balloon animal, then signed it and gave it to her.
Mr T - I pity the fool that dislikes Mr T, because that fool is getting his head broken.
David Hasselhoff - Since Knight Rider has been cancelled, Hasselhoff has spent his time making his own talking car. He failed - but he could still kick your ass.
Billy Zane - There's an article on him here somewhere, but if you're too soft-shit to find it, I'll sum it up: Ass-kickery in a sweet-exterior...on a motorbike.
Steven Seagal - Goddamnit, did you ever see Under Siege!?
Bob Dole - A famous quote from right before he fly-kicked Barbara Bush: "Bob Dole doesn't like this bitch. Bob Dole kick."
Buck Rogers - Roundhousing his way through space/He's gonna kick you in the face/Buck Rogers, Buck Rogers/Don't f**k with Buck!
Thomas Edison - There's a manly biography on him somewhere. Reasons? He had a boner. All the time.
House MD - Maybe MD stands for 'Manly Doctor' or 'Massive Dick' which is why he needs a cane.

Previously featured manly facts

During World War 2, the Germans had a super bred killing machine developed in secret by Hermann Göring. It stood 14ft high, 6ft wide, and was fueled by hatred of 'Das Pussies'. The Nazis had finally found a way to fly it over to England, and it began shooting bombs out of its mouth, destroying the integrity of both architecture and population of the UK. The Germans called this killing machine, 'Hasselhoff'. Hasselhoff met his demise when the Americans came to the rescue of Britain with their own killing machine, Norris.
The 'T' in Mr. T actually stands for Twenty, which is the length of his genitals in metres...KILO-metres.
The reason behind Vin Diesel being out of the public eye in the last few years is because he poked it the f**k out.
Billy Zane and Bob Dole have not been seen much in public lately. The reason for this is because they are off adventuring in a giant monster truck in South America. I just picked up a report from them on my walkie-talkie, and they have just killed their 20,000th local. They are apparently searching for The Phantom's Skull Cave, but I suspect that they are merely purchasing a helicopter-sized block of cocaine. "Bob Dole likes coke! Bob Dole feels good. Bob Dole's nose is bleeding."
Chuck Norris has a band called The Roundhouse Five. After recording their first and only song, "Beef" they rose to stardom. However, this was shortlived, as was the lives of the other band members after they suggested a 'punk rock' song.