Clint Punch - The Manliest Blog EVER

Retirement

2008-03-27T04:09:00.000-07:00

After 1 year in the blog game and a steady decrease in frequency of posts, I've decided to give up my blog.

If there's any regular readers out there who can be bothered to convince me otherwise, email me your thoughts at punchclint@gmail.com and I'll maybe possibly probsnotaye consider your reasoning.

STAY MANLY. I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH. STAY FUCKING MANLY.

Clint. (You may now call me that.)

NO. NO YOU CAN NEVER.

It's Mr Punch, Sir Punchington, King Muscles, Clintoris, The Clintstones, Punchbox, Senator Suplex, Mr Mister Punch, There's The Guy That Parked In The Handicapped Spot, C.M. Punch, Clinty McPunch, McPunchious Maximus, Max Punching or Punchasaurus T-Clintathonious McMaxithon-a-rip-a-shittabamBAM.

Soulja Boy

2008-02-29T18:20:00.000-08:00

Shitfuck.

I just heard the epic new hit 'Crank That' by the newest fuckwit on the block, Soulja Boy. Not only do I not want to learn the dance, I want to learn brain surgery, so I can attack my frontal lobe with a chisel and lobotomize out my memory of anything to do with 'SUPERMANNING HOES'. FUCK. FUCK.

He's not even 18. Can he even drive?

SOULJA BOY - DO YOU EVEN KNOW YOUR TIMES TABLES?

Dickwit.

It's the shittest rap name I've heard in a long time, beating the old record of Bubba Sparxxx. That's not a rap name, that's a fucking character out of Toy Story, you giant chubby fuckwit!

I actually got excited when I heard that Crank That was performed by Soulja Boy. But I was imagining more along these lines:

Whoops. Politically incorDON'T CARE.

Stay sweet, bitches. I'll be back soon with beer.

Unmanly Gossip: Jay-Z and Rihanna?

2008-02-11T23:16:00.000-08:00

"There was an awkward moment for Rihanna and Jay Z as the pair scooped a Grammy for their collaboration 'Umbrella.' Rhianna tried to hold Jay Z's hand as the pair walked up to collect their rap collaboration gong but the rapper shook the singer's hand away.
Cameras then caught Rihanna throwing her hands up in the air as if to say, 'What's wrong?' The pair then distanced themselves on the stage as they were presented with their trophy."

As if, bitch. UR A TOTAL SKANK AND U NEVA TXT BAK!!!! =[

Fuck that. Jay-Z just wouldn't have any of her shit up in him. He's happily committed to his lovely girlfriend, Money. And Beyonce occasionally.

This is such a shitty female thing to do too. Rihanna wins the fucking award and then tries and grabs Jay's hand. If that was DMX instead of Jay-Z, Rihanna would have been stabbed in the fuckin' jaw and clubbed by his bodyguards. Bitch.

Then, the media hops on this and goes, "Awww, it's because they're probs having a romantic relationship!"

WRONG.

Here's why:

Jay-Z has Beyonce.
Rihanna is a shit.
Who wants to fuck Rihanna? This is Rihanna in the sack: "Oh my god! Harder...arder...arder...aye...aye..."

BITCH - IF I WANTED AN ECHO IN MY SONG I WOULD HAVE THROWN MY STEREO INTO THE GRAND CANYON.

Anyways, check out this picture:

Rihanna: "Uhhhh, Jay, I can do this myself."
Jay-Z: "...BITCH WHA DA FUCKKKKKKK?"

10 ways to ruin your already shitty relationship

2008-01-26T04:57:00.000-08:00

So, say you're in a shitty relationship. How can you ruin that shit quicker than tits? Well, I'm right up in your guts pumping out 10 steaming turds of advice. Listen up.

I've been in my share of bad relationships. I've had girlfriends who have titted me around until I sent their asses packing. I've never seen bitches pack their f**kin' Gucci and Prada up quicker than when I start suplexing appliances around.

I unveil to you...

Clint Punch's Top 10 Ways To Ruin Your Already Shitty Relationship

10. "Accidental" text messages.

I was going out with this girl called Susan. She loved to text and it used to fuck off my credit bill so much. She would text me with shit like, "hey just at the supermarket thinkin of u ;)"

OH, ARE YOU? SHIT.

I could deal with the occasional praise, but then she started demanding replies to this crud. How am I meant to reply to that sort of thing?

Her: hey u just at work lol

Me: FUCK OFF

Anyways, I knew she was phone savvy, so I would pretend to send texts to my friends and just intentionally send them to her. Let me sample one that I remember off by heart:

"Hey Rick, I can't come over because I have a massive headache. My bitch kept on texting me and I just ate 3 sticks of chalk to drown the pain of the phone beeping. Catcha man."

I loved it that when Susan broke up with me, she quoted that to me like I didn't know I sent it. Of course I know WHAT IT IS, BITCH. I WROTE IT TO YOU. SHIT. WHY DO THEY READ IT BACK OUT?

9. Food recommendations

So, you're at the food court with your wife-not-to-be, and she says she's hungry. Here's a list of responses to start a big fight.

"Hey I'm hungry...":

- Again? ...Faaaaat.
- I am not paying for liposuction.
- All these fat people eat at the sushi bar now. We could go there.
- Good. Hungry girls are skinny girls.

Haaa!

8. Childishly avoid her for no reason

Say you're watching TV. She walks over and sits down beside you and cuddles your arm. You exercise how much of a fuckwit you can be RIGHT NOW and place her arm off of you, get up and walk out of the room.

Repeat this if she follows you.

If questioned about your motives, simply reply, "Takes one to know one." and blow a raspberry in that bitch's face.

7. Explain in shockingly explicit detail how much you like Bruce Willis

You have to be a real shit if you don't like Bruce Willis. It's manly to have a good appreciation of BW's fine works, but there's a point at which everyone should stop. That point is when it gets gay. Bruce Willis doesn't take that shit, and neither will your woman.

Example:

Girl: "Die Hard is on tonight, want to stay in an watch it with me?"
Guy: "Oh boy, Die Hard!? That's awesome!"
Girl: "Yeah, it star--"
Guy: *interrupting* "Yeah, Bruce Willis is hot. Fuck. Hot. Sometimes I wish I could just snuggle up to his abs, his stomach hair in my fucking mouth." *hands down pants* Oh, holy shit...BRUUUUUCE."

That's just peachy.

6. Introduce her rudely

It doesn't matter if the shit you say isn't true, just say anything to embarrass the shit through her. I had this girl, Claire, that I took to my office Christmas party. We were flirting in a bar for about 2 weeks before that and it was kind of cool. Then she fucked me around and started doing the texting business that Susan was keeping up about 2 months before this bitch. Time to leave dat shit alone.

So, I took her to the Christmas party and my boss walks up with a brewski in his hands and says, "Ahhh, Clint, good to see you. Who's this?"

I looked at him and said, "This is what my twenty bought me tonight."

Ohhhh daaayum.

5. Tell her how hot her friend/sister/mom is

Oh boy. I don't even know how to further instruct you on this one. Just do shit like, when you're lying in bed, lean on over and say, "What's your sisters name again? Mental blank."

IF SHE HAS MORE THAN ONE SISTER:

Her: "Which one?"
You: "The fuckin' fox!" *motion doggy-style*

IF SHE HAS ONE SISTER:

Her: "Charlotte."
You: "Fuck, that's such a hot name...Oh, do you reckon you could do it again? I'm suddenly horny all of a sudden."

4. Explaining movies like she's a mongoloid (She very well might be.)

Whether it's a movie on TV at home, a DVD you rented, or in a cinema, this is a KILLER method to shittin' your lady off. In simple plotted action movies like Transformers, just explain to her mid-movie:

"The blue one is good. He's not killing them."

or in Lord of the Rings 3: Return of the King:

"That little one is Frodo. He's good."

or in The Simpsons Movie:

"This is based on The Simpsons. Same characters."

3. "Yeah, you're right."

CONFUSE THE BITCH.

You're walking through the city with her, going to to movies or some shit. After ANY sentence that she says, stop suddenly, take out your wallet, take out a $10 and tear it up and toss it on the ground and say, "Yeah, you're right."

I did that to some bitch and she XXXXXXPLODED.

2. Play the 'copy cat game' during hard times.

Example:

Her: "...and then...*sniff*...he said 'You're fired!' and told me to get out! *sniff*"
You: "...and then...*sniff*...he said 'You're fired!' and told me to get out! *sniff*"
Her: "...what?"
You: "...what?"
Her: "OH MY GOD ASSHOLE HOW COULD YOU!?"
You: "OH MY GOD ASSHOLE HOW COULD YOU!?"

So, she's out of the relationship at this point. But you have to nail that shit down...

Her: "I'm leaving!"
You: "I'm leaving!"
Her: "You're so childish!"
You: "You're so childish!"

Then, pull this one on her.

Her: "Never call me again, you faggot!"
You: ''Kay. Want popcorn?"
Her: "..."
You: "NO BITCH GET OUT."

Hahahaha, flawless.

1. For women who like U2, Snow Patrol or Evermore.

Wait until the next tour of any of the above bands, book tickets (actually buy them if you have to), then on the night of the concert, drive her out to the venue.

When you're about to enter, give her one of the tickets and say you'll meet her in there, then go to the toilets.

Did I mention you'll need a handgun? Well, you will.

Yeah, plant that on her. LOL. ARRESTED.

"Oh no, it's not mine! I don't want to kill Bono!"

Exactly, bitch. Exactly.

Cloverfield/Sickle Cell

2008-01-18T14:23:00.000-08:00

It's about halfway into this hack-attack of a month and GODDAAAAMN there's shit-all sweet stuff in the news at the moment. If I get my manly ass out of bed and turn on the television, I expect to see George W Bush bending over secret service agents and yelling, "I'M DA PRESIDENT, EAT A PRESIDENTIAL DICK WITH YO' ASS MUSCLES!"

That probs ain't happening until his impeachment. I love impeachments. However, I love peaches more. There was a song made about peaches by a band called The Presidents of The United States. How's that for a tie-in up in here!?

Shit, yeah.

So Cloverfield finally just came out...BIG FUCKING DEAL. They did that annoying as tits viral marketing campaign, where I was made to try and guess the plot to that shit. Guess the plot to my fist, when I uppercut your skull into dead.

I haven't even seen the movie, but I hear that the monster was simply just a big monster. Whooaaaa, slow down. THE MONSTER WAS JUST A MONSTER?

HOLY FLIPPIN' SHIT, BATMAN. WHAT A CLICHE MCAVERAGE MOVIE!

It ain't exactly a box office hit...In fact it makes me want to box office hit people in the face.

But you know, I was just cruising Google News, and I found the most bad-ass disease ever:

SICKLE CELL
(buhnuh...buhnuh...buh nuh buh nuh buh BAP BAP BAP BAP)

Get this: Sickle Cell has it's own fuckin' logo.

Seriously -

It looks like the main title to a shitty two-bit crime show. LOL.

The whole idea is just manly and terrifying. It's Terrimanly...or Manlyfying.

One of my favorite lines from 2pac is when in Hit Em Up, (which is a good song, regardless if you even like hip-hop), when he rips shit on Mobb Deep and says,

"Oh yeah, Mobb Deep...
Wanna fuck with us?
You little young-ass motherfuckers...
Don't one of you niggas got sickle cell or somethin'?"

HOLY SHIT. That is funny shit. The guy has sickle fuckin' cell, and 2pac rips tits on him.

Anyways, let me just finish now with a diagram of how exactly sickle cell came to be.

PUNCH OUT.

Bruce Willis

2008-01-10T04:20:00.000-08:00

Check out how manly this song about Bruce Willis is.

I know that this doesn't count as a post, but shut up and listen. I've spent the last week in a coma from this awesome song.

2008

2008-01-02T01:54:00.000-08:00

It's a new year, dicks. Didn't you hear all the f**kwits making noise about 2 nights ago? Shit they were loud.

I was sitting at my friend's house and drinking straight rum while watching Wayne Brady. I was close-to-death-drunk and he is still a total c-word. Have you seen him on that new show where the people have to guess the lyrics? That show is so full of shit, the host is brown.

The problem with Wayne Brady is the family friendliness. He's just so polite and utterly humorous. He's just a mega-pussy, and you bitches can't see that!

That show better go off the air soon before I unleash my rage upon idiot 32 year olds with reasonable memories for shit rock songs.

THAT'S THE NAME. "DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS". JUST REMEMBERED.

How shit is that name? It's a f**kin' instruction, and a stupid blatant title. It's like calling The Simpsons, 'Family of Four With a Knack For Getting Into Trouble' or calling Frasier, 'WANKY WANKER'.

I just feel that too many shows are addressing the viewer in their titles. This is shit.

THE FOLLOWING SHOWS FUCK ME OFF BECAUSE OF THIS:

So You Think You Can Dance?
Don't Forget The Lyrics
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? (Australia)
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Anyways, I'll continue with my story about new years eve.

So, some friends of mine went out to the local bar and walked back to the house where we were staying. On the way back, some guys punched one of my friends in the mouth and tried to slash him with a broken bottle.

They came back to the house and told me. I told them that they were WEAK, but I still went outside and dealt with the people.

This is how it went down when Clint McPunzzzch got into the action:

C. Punch: "You the cocks that just f**ked with the wrong people?"

Cocks: "Yeah c**t!"

C. Punch: "The c-word? The only c-word around here is Clint. That happens to be my first name, but you can refer to me as Mr Punch, Lord Punchington of Upper Sussex, Manuel Calavera the Spaniard of Death, OUCH NOT THE SPINE, or even That's My German Shephard And It Needs Its Skin."

Cocks: "You wanna go?"

C. Punch: "You. Break. Now."

One of them ran at me, so I caught him and suplexed him into a pile of...

(WAIT THE F**K FOR IT, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME)...

...
...
...

A PILE OF BROKEN MODEMS, BARBRA STREISAND'S HAIR, TWENTY COFFEE MUGS WITH 'I LOVE HILLARY' PLASTERED ON THE SIDE, AND JOHNNY DEPP'S LEFT NUT.

Then I broke the rest of those bitches over my knee and strolled back to the house. Sup now?

I hope you all had a nice, relaxing, peaceful New Year's Eve, because you've got 365 days of MANNING THE FUCK UP ahead of you.

Diddy

2007-12-22T23:51:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a friend of mine for helping compile these. This is him:

Don't act like you don't love that shit.

Diddy once saw a hot bitch and gone, "I'd rather fuck a 250 pound postal worker in the armpits, just for the variety."

NASA landed on Mars to find Diddy, reclining in an armchair, smoking a pipe and saying, "About time, you broke motherfuckers."

Guess what Diddy's computer is? It's Stephen Hawking. He goes, "GET ME TO GOOGLE RIGHT NOW, YOU DEFECTIVE MOTHERFUCKER." and pops champagne corks in Stephen Hawking's eye.

Diddy was close friends with Ray Charles. Diddy came over one day and hid in his piano until Ray was playing it. Then he jumped out and plunged his dick down Ray Charles' windpipe and shot his wife in the chest with a wad of cash, then fucked her with a rolled up suit.

You know why Michael J Fox has parkinson's disease? Because Diddy performed brain surgery on him and just poured bourbon in his skull.

Diddy is a doctor. He's got his PHD in Bitches. (Pretty Huge Dick.)

Diddy is in your fuckin' dinner.

Diddy knows how all of David Blaine's tricks work.

Diddy went into Blockbuster once. When he left, the sign read Blockbusted.

The square root of Diddy is Pimp. The cubed root of Diddy is Mercedes Benz. The root of Diddy is J-Lo.

Diddy's balls have their own gravitational pull.

Diddy parted the red sea with his cock.

When Diddy was 9 he lost his virginity to Marilyn Monroe.

When Diddy received his copy of the New York phone book, he retitled it, "Bitches That I've Fucked Over"

Diddy beat cancer with vitamin C tablets and Yakult.

As well as having a PHD in his pants, Diddy also has a WMD. A Women Maiming Device.

Diddy doesn't light his cigars with matches, or lighters. He singes them alight with J-Lo's burning loins.

Diddy has a backyard full of exotic fruits, like applemelons, bananoranges, and Antonio Banderas.

Diddy owns a solid gold steamroller. He rolls bitches.

Diddy just went to Hungry Jack's holding a wad of cash. It's now known as Hungry Diddy's.

Diddy can't spell "magnificent", but he'll shit in your milk and fart in your toaster.

Diddy's nuts are salted.

When Diddy cries it rains.

Diddy's semen is used to seal coffins.

Diddy married and divorced the Greek goddess of love and beauty, Aphrodite.

Diddy was once left on a deserted island. That island is now China.

Diddy's car is made of diamond.

Diddy adopts stray cats. And you thought he couldn't get any more pussy...

Diddy drinks his own sweat. So does anyone who drinks Powerade.

Diddy knows the capital city and population of every country on Earth. Even France.

Diddy taught Ian Thorpe how to swim. He also advised him to retire recently on the grounds that he wasn't black.

Diddy doesn't go quail or fox or rabbit hunting. He plays golf with Donald Trump and Elvis.

Beowulf

2007-12-20T18:59:00.000-08:00

I saw Beowulf the other night at the cinemas, and I was almost kicked out for screaming death threats at Angelina Jolie (she's the bad slut).

Anyways, let me first address something - there was a bunch of little kids at the back of the theatre that kept on f**king talking. I was going mental, then finally some bitch stood up from the AUDIENCE and went up the back and laid a vertical suplex down on their candy asses. It was beautiful. Except, if it was me, I would have gone up the back and slit their throats with ice skates.

The movie started and I was like, 'Oh, this is pretty good...OH FUCK ANIMATED.'

It's not really animation, but I highly suggest that Robert Zemeckis sell whatever highly polished piece of shit animation machine to Nickelodeon and then kill himself. It was so piss annoying seeing actors and then thinking, "Oh, wait, I didn't remember John Malkovich's skin as being so reflective?". You dick, Zemeckis. Die in a box.

But I tell you pisstitting what - Beowulf is one hell of a sweet-ass politician. When was the last time George Bush made a decision and then slaughtered a troll? Never. George Bush has only ever slaughtered cattle, the English language and democracy. (OOOH POLITICAL, CLINT! POOOOOOLITICAL!)

I like George Bush though. I'm just trying to stir shit because I honestly don't give a flying rat's assfuck about politics, I just judge politicians the same way I judge everyone else; on how much of a man they are. It explains why I really like Venus and Sarena Williams. (Get it? They're men.)

But hop on this shit - Kevin Rudd is the new Prime Minister of Australia. I would rather have a bowl of cherries and a stack of Celine Dion CDs running the country instead of K-Rudd and his Cabinet of fuckstains and poof-ups.

Eat shit, Kevin Rudd - you have nothing on Beowulf.

So, everything aside, Beowulf is an alright movie. It really lost the plot about half-way through...or maybe I just fell the fuck asleep because no motherfucker got killed for an hour or whatever. That, and Angelina Jolie didn't show off her tits anymore.

THEY ARE SPECTACULAR.

Shit Christmas gifts

2007-12-17T01:18:00.000-08:00

Deck the halls with f**kin' shit and yeah. It's the time of the year again, and I'd like to hit some crucial issues about Christmas.

I'm not really that much of a fan of Christmas. Mainly because I have to sit around and suck down some family time with my relatives. Last year, I slapped the shit out of my aunt after she refused to pass the ketchup. I don't care if she is in a wheelchair, she should learn how to maneuver that thing. Selfish bitch.

So sit on this, pussies: Here's my hot-ass list of shit that is not suitable for Christmas gifts. If I receive any of these this Christmas, all of you motherf**kers are going down.

#10 - Sanitary products

I don't even know why someone would give this to me, but if they did, they seriously do not know me well... Get it? Because I don't have a vag.

#9 - John Petrucci

Christmas would be completely ruined if I received Dream Theater's guitarist, John Petrucci, in a box...unless it was a coffin. I've never seen a bigger fag than John Petrucci. There's nothing cool about being 'passionate' about music. Passion is for historical romance authors and the French. Die Petrucci and take your retarded fans and awkward time signatures with you, you pompous prick.

#8 - Vertigo single by U2

Whooooooaoaaaahhhh whoooaaaaaahhhh whoooooooooooooooooaaaaaah veeeeeertigoooooooooo!

Hahaha! What a f**king shit song!

Apparently this is "sophisticated rock". You're a disgrace to the Irish, Bono. Die in a pit with The Edge. Your guitarist sounds like a theme park ride, you pansy-bitch.

#7 - My Two Front Teeth

I already have these. They're in my mouth where I use them. Fuck off, Christmas carols.

#6 - She's The Man DVD

No SHE will ever be a MAN. And if this is one of those confusing-as-ass videos with shemales, where I'm not sure if it's okay to watch, then I'm going to piss down Amanda Bynes' windpipe, and THAT IS THAT.

#5 - Fruit

Gosh, fruit is just swell! Fruit is the most pussy food ever. Nature sucks.

#4 - Smart Car

How can not polluting the world be SMART? That's just f**kin' stupid to me. These cars are pretty much the essence of why the world is full of pussies. They can't fit multiple bitches in the back seats (not that you'd drive them anywhere. They have legs for walking, right?) and you can't crank out the funky beats while you're cruising. Eat shit, Smart Car.

#3 - Vertigo single by U2

Again, let me emphasize that I REALLY do not want this for Christmas.

...

WHOOOOAAAHHHH WOOOAAAHHHH VEEERTIGOOOOO. HAHA! PUSSY-BITCHES!

(I hope Bono gets vertigo and falls off a building.)

#2 - A pencil cup

My mom got me one of these for my birthday. I farted in her eyes.

#1 - Tofu

NO. NO TOFU EVER. F**KING JAPANESE THINK THAT THEY CAN GET ALL UP IN OUR MANLY ANIMAL SLAUGHTERING WAYS WITH THEIR PICKED BEAN AND JELLIED F**KIN' HORSERADISH OR SOME SHIT? NAH-UH, SON. NAH-UH. SUCK ON A STEAK.

Merry Christmas, you tits. Watch out that I don't break your skulls in on Christmas Day.

New list I ripped.

2007-12-12T18:13:00.000-08:00

Visit Listbums.com, you fuckin' pussy.

My beef with comic strips

2007-12-05T02:28:00.000-08:00

NO.

NO.

NOT FUNNY.

NOT FUNNY, JUST SHIT.

I've just had it with these "sophisticated" cartoons. I'm referring to the shitty one panel comics that are plaguing the sudoku section of the local mail. Sure, sudoku is a shitty Japanese torture method with little to no reward other than having the right to yell, "I'M A PUSSY WHO ENJOYS NUMBER PUZZLES."

There's no clear punchline in that cartoon above. What am I meant to do? Read it and say, 'Oh, yes, I suppose that is rather accurate social commentary.'

WRONG...BITCH.

Check it out - I've included one of my own manly one panel comics. It's straight to the point, and f**king hilarious.

HAHAHAHHAHAHA SEE THIS? THIS IS ME LAUGHING AT HOW GOOD THAT IS OMG OMG OMG.

Shut up. Enthusiasm is for pussies and you're shit.

Who actually writes those shitty things like Family Circus? How can someone sit down and write that comic strip and then say, "Yes, that will be a large hit in the newspaper. Excuse me, I have to go smoke some wood-fired cock."

Man up.

Manliest List EVER

2007-12-05T02:18:00.001-08:00

Manly Makeovers: TV Shows

2007-11-17T18:56:00.000-08:00

I sat down the other night and flipped on MTV. I watched for about 5 minutes, then I rang the TV station and my conversation went something like this:

MTV employee: "Hello?" Me: "Die."

There's too many pussy shows on TV, so here's Clint Punch's Manly Makeovers: TV Shows Edition.

PIMP MY RIDE

I like the fact that this show's title is a demand. But still, that barely makes up for anything within the actual show. Here's my list of queries with this 30 minute failure:

Xzibit
Nerdy white guests
Idiot mechanics

I was watching it the other day and there was this white guy called Wyatt, and he played metal guitar. So, the dickface mechanics decked out his van with some amps. Then Xzibit was like, "Yo, yo, WYATT. YEAH. Yeah, yo' been pimped! Yo, we got you a guitar, so play somethin'."

Then Wyatt played some shitty metal riff while Xzibit goes to the camera, "WYAAAATTTT, WYAAAAATTTT".

Go away (before I send you away.)

So here's my solution. More manly guests. Let's get Bruce Willis on there, yelling in people's faces. Check this one out:

HEROES

Right now, I'm sitting in my room and there's some babe watching Heroes on TV. No joke. I just have bitches surrounding me ALL THE TIME.

The one thing that pisses me off about this show is the lack of REAL HEROES. I see no Chuck Norris anywhere. But I guess that's reasonable, because if Chuck Norris were on this show, then there'd be no villains or anything...

BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE THROWN BRUCE WILLIS FACE FIRST INTO THEM. YEAH. THEY WORK AS A TEAM. SUP NOW?

LOST

Men don't get lost. Women get lost, because the stupid bitches can't read maps.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE

Whether it's the mediocre Australian version or the FAIL-HARD US-version, this show should harden the f**k up and man the f**k up. I haven't seen one single situation involving any of the following:

macking bitches
killing snakes
shooting bears
sucking Iggy Pop's dick (you know it's manly, so don't f**king deny it.)

In conclusion, TV is gay and unmanly. Go get a radio and tune into FM...Fuckin' Manly.

Spam on toast, or not at all.

2007-11-12T23:13:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friend,

Greetings:

I am sorry to intrude into your private and peaceful life. My name is Mr. Daniel Vincent I work as an accountant in a bank; I contacted you to work together with me in claiming my late client estate. Unfortunately he died without a registered next of kin and as such the funds now have an open beneficiary status.

You could be made the beneficiary since you share the same last name with him. This has officially transferred the right to you, as no other person from his family knows anything about this fund with our bank.

If you are interested in working with me, please get back to me as quickly as possible so that I will give you the details of what we are to do.

I wait for your prompt response so that I can give you more briefing of what you need to and how to do it.

Thanks for your co-operation.

Best regards,

How about this:

My Dear Friend,

Fuck.

Best regards,
Clint.

No, really. I don't take kindly to any kind of spam. The hammy substance is good on toast, with a bit of ginger beer, but I'd have to be pretty f**kin' drunk to take that shit into my system. I could eat actual food instead.

Apparently I share a last name with a person who has died. I wouldn't mind sharing a punch with Daniel Vincent's f**king face right about now for disturbing my inbox.

No, really, Danny Boy, I'm going to go apeshit the next time I see this shit in my inbox. I'd reply to you, but you're a cockwit.

Check out my wicked reply: Click on it's ass to MAKE IT BIGGER.

I actually wrote a haiku about this.

See this scammer?
He's about to die slowly,
In my f**king hands.

Suck a quiz. A hot quiz.

2007-11-03T18:45:00.000-07:00

1.So what will we call you?
You will call be Mr Punch, Sir Punch-a-lot, Clinty McPunchpie, or HARK! THE PUNCHETH COMETH.

2. And how old might you be?
Old enough to f**k up a bear.x

3. How big is your penis?
Well, they use exponential notation on my license.

Yeah, I have my penis size on my license. Just so that when I get pulled over by a cop, he knows who is in charge. (Me.)

4. Suppose you see your crush/ boy/girl friend kissing another, what would you do?
DESTROY.

5. You got a free holiday, South America or North Korea?
North Korea. I'd show them a thing or two about how to starve. Lol. Poverty.

6. What would you do if a teacher of the opposite sex hit on you?
HIT DAT SHIT BACK.

7. Right now do you prefer a Strawberry Milkshake or a Banana Cupcake?
I'd like anything that isn't leaking with gay.

8. Is your phone within a meter radius of you?
Yeah. Just in case Billy Zane makes another obscene phonecall to me. Last time, he told me he wanted to "yoghurt up my sasquatch." F**k that crazy actor to death.

9. Wait, are you a guy or a chick?
I'm a man.

10. What are you wearing?
Overalls and a menacing grin.

11. What color is the thing you are sitting on right now?
Black.

12. Are you doing this just because you're bored?
I'm doing this because I haven't put up a blog in a while and this is a hot way to bludge one. SHAZZZIZZLE.

13. What season is it right now? Do you like it?
um i herd from this girl at barneysz that sweaters are really cuming back in?

GAY. SWEATERS ARE GAY.

14. Who do you think you're going to spend New Year's with?
I do not know.

15. Was last New Year's enjoyable?
It was pretty cool.

I killed a man.

16. I'll betcha you miss someone right now?
Hahahahaha. I need no one! Too bad Kanye West is aching for some people to be around him right now. Hey Kanye, get on your knees and take Nate Dogg into your mouth.

18. Can you type over 60 words per minute?
I can threaten the keyboard till it does it for me.

19. Are you high?
About 6"11.

20. McDonalds or KFC?
McDonalds. Because it's Irish and serves beef. KFC sucks a hard one. Serving chicken? Why don't you just call yourselves, "WHITE MEAT CENTRAL. FREE BJ's."

21. Krispy Kreme, Donut King or Wendy's?
None. They are for pussies who love creamy sugary SHIT.

22. Target or K-Mart?
Target. K-Mart is GAY-Mart. Owned. Owned.

23. not wearing 1 ???
Listen here, quiz-writer.

SHUT IT.

24. Is that color your favorite?
Listen here, quiz-writer.

SHUT IT.

25. Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
No. Movies are gay. Orlando Bloom has bloomed into a giant pussy. Sure, he probably has sex all the time, but I bet he cries afterwards and talks about his feelings.

26. What's something that's bothering you right at this moment?
The next door neighbor. Tonight - he takes a dirt nap.

27. How smart do you think you are?
I can outsmart bears.

28. Can you surf?
Do I want to? No.

29. Are you easily scared by horror/thriller films?
No. Only pussies get scared.

30. If you were given $100, would you spend it, or save it?
I would spend it on getting a $100 worth of twizzlers dipped in acid.

31. If there was a large spider in the room, would you stay?
Yes. I would fight it hard.

32. What time is it?
12:03 pm. AND I'M READY TO FIGHT.

33. What do you wear to bed?
A bitch.

34. Would you ever become a vegetarian or even vegan?
Steak owns.

35. Where are you right now?
In front of my computer.

36. Do you think your crush likes another?
I don't have a crush. She was crushed.

37. What is your desktop picture?
Chuck-a-fucka-NORRIS.

38. Can you swim well?
Yes.

39. Do you shop for clothes?
Yes.

40. Where do you think your crush is right now?
Crushed.

41. And what are they doing?
Struggling to breath with their lungs full of blood.

42. Do you believe in ghosts?
No. I'd kick their asses.

43. Would you rather go to Tokyo or Paris?
Paris, and punch every faggot there.

Would you rather go to Tokyo or Rome?
Rome, and get in the coliseum with a tiger.

45. Do you have a guitar in your house?
Yes. I solo on it, and bitches come a-runnin'.

46. Are you listening to music right now?
No.

47. Who else is in the room with you?
Me and little Clint. (By which I mean my ginormous penis.)

48. In winter, would you rather wear jackets or hoodies?
Shirtless.

49. Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
No. I'm awesome.

50. How often do you get onto myspace/facebook?
Never. Clint Punch doesn't have friends. He doesn't have a profile song. He doesn't have a gallery.

HE HAS A DICK AND THAT'S ALL HE NEEDS.

51. How long can you go without your mobile phone?
About 15 inches, but the vibrate helps.

52. Do you have any enemies?
Tom Selleck.

53. What are you doing?
Your mother, sister, cousin and dog.

54. Is your bed made of metal or wood?
It's made of stakes.

Sorry, steaks*.

Manoween

2007-10-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

Halloween is just under a week away and perhaps you're wondering what is a manly way to spend this psuedo-holiday. So, suck up some of my best suggestions to make this piece of shit day bearable by being a f**kin' MAN.

1. Retaliation to 'pranks'.

Some dickface kids think it's "cool" and "rad" to pull a prank if you don't give them candy when they come trick or treating at your house. Wrong, you little bitches. It's time to suck up a big bowl of retaliation stir-fry (with some HOT-ASS sauce, motherfarts.)

So last year, I had some kids come up to me and they were all like, "TRICKAAAAAAAAA TREAT." so I came to the door and went, "SUUUUCKKKK MY DOG." and they left and then I heard these kids outside...

EGGING MY CAR.

No joke. So I went outside and said, "What the f**k do you think you're doing?" and they were all like, "What are you going to do, pussy?" and threw more eggs. So I went inside and grabbed my favorite weapon. It's a lawnmower blade on a rope. I call it the Wrecktifier. They ran like shit, but I caught one and German suplexed him into Germany. (Then, they suplexed him to Romania. There, they sold him for firewood.)

2. Hilarious costumes

Okay, so previous years, I've dressed up as some hilarious stuff.

One particular time was when I got a make-up kit and made a fake slit throat. When the kids answered the door, one kid goes, "Who's this loser meant to be?" All the kids laughed.

I replied, "I'm your mother, after I take her throat out for a large sum of cash. Run home, man. Try and stop me. MUAHAHAHAHA."

I got a subpoena or some shit like a week later, but I threw it in the bin and punched a wall.

3. Insults

Let's face it, kid's costumes are normally pretty ordinary. Like, mega-ordinary. When some kid comes to the door wearing a Superman mask, I know it's not f**king Superman. What am I, some kind of retard?

Nope. Full-functioning brain.

So, what you have to do is just smash the self-esteem of the 8 year olds. They want candy? They're going to have to work for it, damnit!

Situation from 2003:

Kids: "Trick or treat!"
Me: "F**k. Hey."
Kids: "..."
Me: "Oh, you want candy, hey. Yeah, here's a twizzler or some shit."
One kid - 'Green Lantern': "Guess what I am?"
Me: "A fail-hard?"
'Green Lantern': "...Nope!"
Me: "A lobotomy patient...in green?"
'Green Lantern': "Nope! I'm the Green Lantern."
Me: "Well, I'm sure you're not going to get bullied for picking such a shit hero. Even little Johnny F**k-up in the Superman mask looks better than you. Take that costume back to Walmart and ask for a reason, with your query being, 'I require a gayer costume because I am in fact a homosexual pioneer and I have a pension for being extremely gay. Could I also please have a tumbler of gay jam. I require it for my gay toast for breakfast with my partner, Chester.' Run along."

I've never seen the Green Lantern cry so hard.

So yeah, whether you want to lawnmower blade some 14 year olds or make a few 8 year olds cry, it's up to you.

*Honestly, don't do this. Leave it up to the real men. Keep your lawnmower blades on your lawnmowers.*

Apparently I'm harmful.

2007-10-19T05:12:00.000-07:00

Damn right. See that NC-17 rating? That means that I am such a badass that:

I swear
I say other "swearwords" like "punch". (Since when was "punch" a swearword? That makes all boxing commentators brutal foulmouthed monsters.)
I probably don't eat vegetables
I probably even listen to cassette tapes
I might even like to watch television
There's a chance that occasionally I eat food that is within a few days of expiry date
I forget to condition after shampooing
I once accidentally ordered a pizza that was half-chicken and half-chicken. Then I shared a laugh with the fellow from Pizza Hut
I take my garbage out on the wrong day
I don't collect my mail sometimes (WHOAAAAAAA!)
AND GET THIS... SOMETIMES I EVEN LIKE TO FART.

Suck up that NC-17 rating, Mr Internet.

The Flavor of Man

2007-10-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

FLAVOR-FLAAAAAAAAAAV!

So yeah, I was listening to some Ice Cube the other day and there was this song featuring the tremendous rapping skills of none other than Flavor Flav. He came on and said: "I pledge allegiance to the...the...f**kin' all of that shit."

He's possibly the only rapper other than Nitty that doesn't subscribe to the shitty hip-hop rivalries. And speaking about Nitty - if he EVER makes another song, I'm going to crossbow him in the thigh and take a shit in his bellybutton. I don't want to hear another song about a "nasty girl". I want more songs about "nasty stomach wounds", and if you need some inspiration for this, Nitty, me and my 9 millimeter would be more than happy to provide it. Dick.

So, anyways - back onto Flavor Flav. He wears a clock around his neck. That's so he always knows what time it is. Simple. He had a wristwatch, but it interfered when he fist-banged supermodels. (See above picture: Flav's Fistbang Fucktacular.)

But why is he particularly manly? Well, let's a story that isn't THAT well known about Flavor..:

One day, Flavor was walking down to the ice cream parlor to get himself some motherf**kin' choc chip double F**KIN' scoop. He was waltzing down the road when suddenly this big car full of crips pulled up beside him, hopped out and mugged him. He gave over his wallet and they drove off. He continued to walk, and decided to detour to the police station to report the crime and described the crips' car.

Following this, he went to the sports store and bought himself some Air Nike's, put them on, and began running down the street.

He burnt that shit up! BURNT THE F**K UP! He kept on running and finally got to a set of traffic lights, where the crip car was stopped at the traffic lights.

"NICE SHOES, BITCH!" one of the crips yelled at him.

Flavor thought hard and dropped a sweet one-liner: "They're going to look nicer up your mother's snatch. I'm going to vagina kick her till she shits a Celine Dion cassette."

The crips pulled out their gats, but they weren't fast enough. Flavor Flav snatched all the gats from their hands in a split second, and then he let the air out of the tires - got the leader of the crips in a chokehold and ripped out his jugular with his dick. Then he turkey-slapped every other gangsta and poured cat piss into their gin and juice. Following this, he made them drive him to their family houses at gunpoint so he could eff their sisters.

Don't fuck with the Flavor.

"I got a clock!
So suck my cock!"
- Flavor Flav.

Musical prowess

2007-10-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

Every mothereffers got a musical opinion.

The problem is, you're all wrong except for me. Here's my list of approved bands/artists:

Clint's Approved Bands/Artists:

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Their bassist is called Flea. Anything that spreads plague and f**ks up medieval Europe is alright by me.
Dr. Dre - "Bitches Ain't Shit" isn't a song. It's a manly Bible set to lyrics.
Nate Dogg - There is no more explanation needed than the cover to his album 'Music & Me':

See that dope snake head cane? Nate Dogg uses that shit on bitches that f**k him around. Let me tell you a story.

So it's well known that in 1991, Dr Dre slapped an interviewer named Dee Barnes and allegedly pulled her hair and punched her a few times. What should actually be noted is that Dre only slapped Dee Barnes, and when she ran out of the building, Nate Dogg was outside waiting in a 200 tonne limo with 67 butt-naked Swedish models. He said to her something along the lines of, "Bitch - you gonna die." and before he could further explain, he picked up his snake head cane, thrust it up in the air and then gave her a tele-beating using radiowaves, microwaves, and bluetooth. Why? Because he's f**kin' Nate Dogg, and he SINGS HIS RAPS. Damn straight.

But I digress. There's so many pussy musicians out there.

For example, Kanye West's latest hit, Stronger, is a shitload of horrible confessions stating that he in fact has a big weeping womb. It's all about perseverance, "making it", and allover being Kanye West, the epitome of what is wrong with the music scene.

Th-th-that that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
Cause I can't wait much longer

This one time, Billy Idol had to wait for a plane flight to Scotland for a concert. It didn't arrive for 20 hours, so he went and played Addams Family pinball for so long that by the time he was done, the pinball machine had turned into Time Crisis. Heard of killing time, Kanye? You shitty shit.

I need ya right now
I need ya right now

Hahaha. You're a pussy, Kanye! You need people. Man up.

Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well I'd do anything for a blonde dyke

Okay, so you're missing out on the cash, Kanye, for some blond lesbians? Let me tell you something about the lesbians, brother. I don't want to sound bad, but lesbians are the Fish Burger as opposed to the Quarter Pounders. The Quarter Pounders being the bitches, and the Fish Burgers being the lesbians. Essentially, they're boring. They aren't good to hang around, because they challenge men's manliness. They're women that we can't get, Kanye. The only man who has ever converted a lesbian was Chuck Norris, in the Great Lesbian Convert of 1924. The Woman's Softball League was never taken seriously again!

Since OJ had Isotoners

Okay, that OJ reference is awesome. Isotoners was the brand of glove that was involved with the court case. In other words, LOL LOL LOL, good irrelevant reference, Kanye, like 2 people got it. But still, that's sweetish. Some points there for Kanye.

Overall, I have not made much of a point.

My new neighbours

2007-10-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

I used to have some sweet neighbours. They didn't complain about shit at all and they let me use their pool during summer. So they moved out about 8 months ago and now I'm stuck with this dipshit next door.

When he moved in, he introduced his family to me like they were a f**king circus act. He said, "This is my son Ged," and pointed to his little 10 year old failure, "He plays piano and really likes running track. And this little cutey is Rebecca, my daughter. She loves...Jack Neut--...what? Oh, sorry! Jimmy Neutron! And I'm Rick, nice to meet you Mister...?"

Punch. My name is Clint Punch and you may call me Clint Punch, Mr Punch, Sir Puncharama or Phuc U Roc. I enjoy martial arts, and destroying pussies. I have a blog, but you're not allowed to know about that because I'll be beating the shit through you on it. Do wrong by me, and I will suplex you and your little kids so hard into your new roof tiles that you will give birth to a deer.

I was just trying to be friendly AND assertive.

So, me and Rick got along reasonably well except occasionally when he shits me over with his noisy kids. I allow some parties that they have, because that's reasonable. But when I get woken up at 6 in the morning because their kids are playing table tennis IN THEIR BACKYARD, then I get shitted. Don't you have a living room, Rick? Don't you have a den for all these sorts of things?

Our relationship declined gradually as there was less talking between me and him and more of this sort of thing.

*Piano is very loud at 7 am*
Rick: *yelling from his place* "Hope that's not too loud for ya, Clint!"
Me: "Get f**ked, Rick! Get f**ked up to Alaska you prick!"

There's been many other similar instances, including him asking me to babysit Ged and Rebecca, his kids. Oh, sure, Rick! I'll babysit them! We'll have some fun activities like 'eat a knife' and 'very late abortion'.

But what inspired me to tell you about my neighbour? Well, I just walked past the window outlooking my backyard and I saw some leaves falling on my grass. Alright, I dig it, but it's not Fall yet. Wha da fa?

I walked outside and I heard the sound of a chainsaw and I saw that Rick was cutting down a large tree that is against his side of the fence. He sees me and stops the chainsaw.

"How ya doing, Mr Punch?" he asks, squinting beneath his pussy safety goggles.

"Good. What are you doing?" I ask, looking at how small that chainsaw of his is.

"Well, I'm cutting down this tree because it was getting a bit annoying and Rebecca wants to start a vegetable garden in this patch of soil."

Alright. Fair enough, I turned and started walking back to my house. Then I heard a creaking and looked back to see Rick going, "WHOA WHOA WHOA!" and trying to grab the trunk of the tree as it broke off from the stump and landed straight on top of the fence, crushing it to the ground and ripping up the grass.

He stood there scratching his head for a bit and went, "Whoa, it just...shiiiiit..."

I didn't say anything. I just thought about it.

"Clint, I'll pay for the damages, I mean--"

He didn't finish his sentence, because I had just grasped him under his arms and dragon suplexed him into the wooden fence on the ground.

"MR PUNCH! PLEASE!" he begged, but it was no use as I locked in the half boston crab and had him tapping out so hard, it broke a hole in the fence.

I then walked back inside, leaving his legs limp, and blogged this straight away.

The moral of the story is: don't let your dickhead neighbour shit you about. Break him.

That is all.

Chabal v Jaw

2007-10-01T00:48:00.000-07:00

The French have gotten a pretty raw deal in history. They're terrible at military organization, they've had a lot of shitty pussy leaders that haven't done much for the country, etc. But there's hope yet for these smelly pussy bitches, and that hope is personified by none other than the legendary...

SEBASTIEN CHABAL

The Rugby World Cup has been on TV recently, and I copped a nice little dose of this monster they call Chabal. He's the manliest Frenchman I have ever seen. Sure, he's there surrounded by fairy motherf**kers that look straight out of an Armani catalogue, or a gay porn site specializing in 'twinks'.

Okay, Chabal is the guy who catches the ball and then, while he loses possession, he headbutts Ali Williams' jaw into a world of pain, a galaxy of numbness and a universe of hospital bills. Ali ends up going home in an ambulance, while Chabal probably goes home in his pinto, in style and in 12 women.

So, Chabal is standing there, yelling at some people and smashing some shit around with his HUGE beard swaying. It's the most ridiculously awesome beard I have ever seen. Which brings me to publicizing some lesser known facts:

Clint Punch's Lesser Known Facts About Chabal's Beard

Connects up with his eyebrows.
Receives its own mail.
Has a library card.
Enjoys long walks on the beach and sex in boiler rooms.
Has bluetooth.

I just had a look at Chabal's wikipedia article and it listed some of his nicknames. There's the normal ones there, like 'Hulk', 'Attila', 'Caveman', etc. But there's one that stands out:

'the Anesthesiologist'

I don't think that rugby fans can say, spell, or define that f**king word. That it the sweetest nickname, because it means that Chabal PUTS MOTHERF**KERS TO SLEEP.

I don't have much else to say about Chabal, just that he is probably having sex with your sister on your roof right now. Go check. Actually, don't - he might destroy you and spit acid in your eyes.

ManSpace

2007-09-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

This is basically a plug for Mr T's new Snickers MySpace profile. I don't really see how it qualifies as a profile, and it's just exploiting MySpace for what they are; a bunch of poofstains who love to check out pictures of each other before telling them that they are "gorgeous". If I made a MySpace, it'd be called ManSpace and it'd only be dudes on there and we'd trade pictures of guys working out, Tito Ortiz posters and sweat...manly, stinky sweat.

Anyways, I was cruising onto Mr T's profile and you should probably have a look at it. It's got lots of pretty wallpapers for download and some messenger icons so you can scare the SHIT out of your friends with a picture of Mr T. Go there now.

Chris Crocker and the presidents' tale.

2007-09-17T04:10:00.000-07:00

Unmanly. I'm not going to say anything about him being gay, because I am fine with gay guys. There's more man to go 'round, sure - just stay away from my dick.

But this is silly. This is absolutely outrageously unmanly. If Ronald Reagan was here, he would beat Chris Crocker to a f**kin' pulp, and set him on fire with a burning Romanian child. That's what Reagan can do, and that's why you shouldn't f**k with Reagan. That last guy that f**ked with Reagan was called...um...actually I don't know his name...

BECAUSE REAGAN FUCKING KILLED HIS NAME.

Then Reagan called up Gerald Ford, (who was banging the Queen of England...HARD), and he said to Ford, "Get your dick over here and finish this poofstain off."

So Ford got his ass up, left the Queen of England still covered in baby oil, and rode his motorcycle over to Reagan's place to eat the soul of this guy. He's like a f**kin' dementor, Gerald Ford. He has massive clamps for a mouth and he wears a cloak around.

Anyways, then Ford and Reagan smoke a huge bowl of hash and kick some barrels around. They go back to Ford's place and poke sticks into the cage of these giant silverback gorilla he has. Then they call up Bill Clinton and they all play "shotgun poker" (like strip poker, but instead of taking your clothes off, you have to take shotgun blasts to the face.)

They all watch some UFC and then decide to prank call that "ho" Barbara Bush and abuse the shit out of her. Clinton calls her a "rough old hag" and Reagan says that he'd "rather fuck a lobster with a barbed wire condom".

Then they play chicken with trucks outside and punch mailmen.

...so yeah, Chris Crocker. More like Chris COCKER.

Suck that down.

Unmanly Rivalries

2007-09-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

F**k these popular culture rivalries. I get up to cruise the internet in search of manly men to converse with about ginger ale, gunpowder and whiskey with, and suddenly I get plagued with these shitty rivalries between nerdy crap that no one should honesty give a flying ass about.

Here's my pick of the Unmanliest Rivalries ever.

Mac vs PC

The other day I was watching Walker: Texas Ranger on TV and the ad breaks came on. I left the room to go refill my keg of whiskey from my backyard distillery, and when I returned I saw the shittiest advertisement ever. Yeah, that f**king ad for Macs that stereotypes PC users as a stupid looking fat f**k with a tie. As a PC user, I take offense to that. I don't own a tie. F**k, I don't even eat Thai food - because I hate the taste of AIDS.

But I digress - this is one of the unmanliest, shittiest rivalries ever because all that ever happens is Mac gets up in this pussy little 'white space' ad and calls PC a faggot for not having built-in peripherals.

At least I can use my PC to do something other than mix down a techno song or edit a photo, you yuppie pussy-bitches. Also, PCs don't make me feel like I should be wearing skinnies and combing my hair "just like that hot lead vocalist from AFI does".

Pussies.

WWE vs TNA

Let's settle this one. I'm going to go load up a TNA tribute video on YouTube and check out the comments to see if I can find some little 12 year old pussy who thinks he can roll some shit on YouTube because no one sees through a username like "iamjimihendrix". No, you're not. You're a pussy bitch and Jimi Hendrix is a dead hippie.

Oh here's a good comment:

TNA is a PRETTY good entrertainment show BUT....WWE is better....TNA can not get above a 1.0 rating....ANY SHOW CAN DO THAT...and they still can't get a 2 hour show...they HAD to beg Spike TV to get a 2 hour show and they r still declining them..that proves it all the way...

I've always FOUND that PUTTING capitals in THE middle of your SENTENCES REALLY emphasizes YOUR point.

Just kidding. It makes you seem like a pussy, you bitch.

I'm in the middle on this WWE vs TNA rivalry, because I don't give a flying shit. UFC owns all of this fake shit, but when all the MMA fighters are knocked out, it's good to see some suplexing.

TNA has more high-risk stuff, but WWE is the classic and has hot bitches everywhere.

Plus, Chris Benoit never even went near TNA and he was manly enough to choke himself to death with his weights machine. Case closed.

Rock vs Hip Hop

This is probably the worst one. Little pussy 14 year olds who think that rock is the best creation ever should suck this up into their stomachs and shit it out again. There's more than one style of music, and those other styles don't consist of distorted guitars and crashy drums. Not that there's anything wrong with rock, but it's not always the most appealing when you have half the music scene playing songs about their girlfriends and every motherf**ker trying to learn how to play guitar.

Hip hop has its downsides too. I've never seen bigger bitches than some of the rappers out there these days. Kanye West isn't exactly manly material. Dr Dre and Snoop are the manliest motherf**kers in the business. All Dre and Snoop rap about is how rich they are, how big their houses are and how they fuck everything in sight with ease. That's the music I'm liking, man.

So yeah, this is another tie for this rivalry, but goddamnit I'm leaning my manly ass over to hip hop just a little bit.

British "television" vs American "TV"

I've got one argument to settle this one:

Frasier.

That show f**ked EVERYTHING. It was American, but it was more sophisticated than an evening with Tony Blair, a barbershop quartet and a collection of French cheese. I don't even have much to say on this. Just that Frasier is a turdy, pussy, unmanly show.

BLOG OVER.

Kimbo v Tank

2007-09-03T04:10:00.000-07:00

Kimbo Slice, also known as Black Attack and Muhammad Ali's Love Child with a Brick was once a bareknuckle fighter. His videos became popular on the internet after people manned up and saw that he just broke bitches in their shit faces.

So he joined UFC, and now he's f**kin' around with what he may not be able to handle:

Tank Abbott, also known as Benoit's Inspiration and That's The Man That Bludgeoned My Infant Child, Officer. Tank is one of the UFC's most famous fighters, because he gets in the ring and f**ks shit up. His style is freefight, which means that he can break you like a twig, you little pussy. He was born in Huntington. HIS BIRTHPLACE HAS 'HUNT' IN IT.

I'm raising very valid, awesome, manly points, but I'm not letting on to who will win this fight.

But I'd like to say that it will be a great match and may God provide health cover for the loser, because that homeboy is going to get F**KED UP.

(Go YouTube Tank Abbott or Kimbo Slice before they violate your crotches with swords.)

Why I'm eating Snickers bars.

2007-08-16T18:03:00.001-07:00

There we have it. I am now needing to see my doctor to check if I have diabetes, gingervitis and cancer of the nougat, because I have been eating Snickers for every meal since I've seen this ad.

This is possibly the most ridiculously manly thing that Mr T has done that's been caught on tape. He's really picked up since this incident:

That movie took a few takes, because each time Mr T would instinctively slap the mother around the face and not except any jibba-jabba.

Finishing up, does this new ad campaign mark the arrival of Mr T back into the limelight and mainstream culture? Possibly. New movie parts are in order, I believe. If George Lucas ever continues the Star Wars series, he's got to include Mr T as Jabba the Hut's son - Jibba-jabba the Hut.

ZING MOTHERFUDGER!

Who let the dogs out? Ving Rhames did.

2007-08-04T00:31:00.000-07:00

I was just watching the news and it said that a "Mission Impossible and Pulp Fiction movie star" was involved with a guy being mauled to death by some dogs.

Who else but Ving Rhames!?

On August 3, 2007, a man working as a caretaker at a residence owned by Rhames was found dead on the property after being mauled by dogs, authorities said^[4]. The man died at the scene of the attack, which was reported about 7:15 a.m. in the 12900 block of San Vicente Boulevard, said Los Angeles Police officer Sandra Gonzalez. His name was withheld pending notification of relatives. Los Angeles Police Lt. Ray Lombardo said the man, in his 40s, had been a caretaker at the residence about two years. He "appears to have suffered a number of injuries as a result of the dog mauling," Lombardo said. "There were dogs loose on the property. Those dogs have been captured by animal regulation (officers)," he said. "We have four dogs that have been taken into custody for quarantine pending further investigation ..." Police believe two of the four dogs -- both weighing about 200 pounds -- were involved in the attack. "Both those dogs are mastiffs; they're rather large," Lombardo said. "Normally we understand they are pretty friendly dogs. But, you know, there are occasions where dogs will turn on their owners or their caretakers, and this looks like a tragic accident." The man had numerous dog bites all over his body, but the exact cause of death was pending a coroner's ruling. Rhames was not present at the time of the incident because he was on-location in Bulgaria shooting The Tournament. - Wikipedia

While I don't want to make fun of the caretaker's death (and I'll TAKE CARE not to - LOL.), you have to really check out how manly these dogs were. 200 pounds each! MY GOD - That weighs more than most teenagers. That's 90kg. F**k me, that poor bugger must have taken a beat down from those dogs.

But you have to think about what exactly the caretaker did to get the dogs to go apeshit at him. He really must have done some shit wrong, like pissed around with Ving's vintage collection of SNES games (including Shaq Fu. Shaq Fu, Shaq Fu, wha's wrong wit' you? Shaq Fu, Shaq Fu, homeboy I'm in a video game, and I'm hittin' PUNKS.)

I wouldn't be surprised if Christopher Walken had something to do with this. Both he and Ving were in Pulp Fiction together. Except Walken didn't get analled. Owned.

What kind of name is Ving anyway? It sounds like someone threw a spoon and named him after the sound it made.

Anyways, RIP caretaker. Oh, and Ving - watch yourself next time, you cock.

A Manly Update

2007-08-03T01:14:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break at the moment from updating my manly blog because I can. I don't need to justify myself to you pussies, because I brush my teeth with steel cables and acid. (And I floss with moose intestines.)

However, as some sort of obligation, I guess I will treat you motherf**kers to a little update.

So WWE has made a bold decision - they made a midget as their Cruiserweight Champion. No, I can dig it. Really. I have nothing against midgets, and I just feel sorry for the bitches that are going to get their shit wrecked by a 21 year old dwarf. He's technically disabled, but you'll be at the handicap, mothereffer.

But I dunno if it was that good of a decision. What's next? Making a Mexican the champ? No chance, Mysterio - now take your injured knee and eff off.

Oh, that picture above is a wax model of what Bob Dole looked like at age 5. It was taken moments before he broke some Nazi skulls with that huge f**kin' rock he's holding. Bitches, please, you roll with the Dole? You pay the toll.

Now, as much as I want to avoid being a nerdy pussy bitch, I love Visual Basic. You know why? Just a simple little thing that gives it the edge over other programming languages. Here's a sample of some reserved words used in Visual Basic that are sweet:

end
private
do
get
lock
erase
long
stop

Now, if you don't understand what's so sweet about them, then...well eat a dick.

So that's the update for this week, now let me get back to my steak.

With lots of destruction, havoc and pesticide,

Clint. (That's Mr Punch to you, dick.)

Clint's happenings

2007-07-24T01:49:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry that I haven't been blogging more lately!

WRONG!

I'm not sorry at all. Suck down my 8 day break, bitch.

Well, what have I done in my little break? I've been pretty tied up with UFC, WWE and HP7 lately. Harry Potter 7? Yeah, I'll explain in good time.

So, I bought a UFC DVD the other day and was amazingly impressed once again with the caliber of talent in that federation. I saw some bitches get absolutely BROKEN in half on there and I'm feeling like ending people in public now. (Well, more than before.)

It really is the manliest sport ever. There's been some more upcoming fights announced - Tank Abbott, UFC's resident pitfighter bikie is going to be facing off against Kimbo Slice, the internet's resident semi-legal bare knuckle boxer. I can safely say that this will be the best f**king match ever. Someone is going to get BROKIFIED. Kimbo is going to come in and be like, "WASSUP MOTHERF**KAAAAA?" and Tank will be like, "I'M GONNA BREAK YO LEGS, DICK." and then Kimbo will be like, "LETS ENGAGE IN MIXED MARTIAL ARTS LOL."

Wrong. Kimbo doesn't laugh out loud - Kimbo doesn't laugh at all, except when he breaks your eye socket, and still then it's more of an amused bellow.

On the news of mixed martial arts, Kurt Angle has recently challenged Brock Lesnar to a MMA fight after a pro wrestling match. I cannot wait to see Kurt and Brock breaking each other's heads. Brock is a disrespectful arsehole though...but BAH GAWD, he's manly.

Onto WWE... (Spot the segue? No? Well, you're shitty at spotting segues. Oh, if you just pronounced that 'seg-yoo', you really are an idiot.)

So, the Great American Bash has just happened and there was some nice wrestling happening in there. Except that shitty John Cena won again. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a good wrestler, but he needs to man up and get sweet like Bobby Lashley. Lashley used to be white, but his heart is so black that it turned his skin black as well. (Shh, it's not medically accurate, but try telling that to Lashley's face - he'll remove you. I don't know where from, I don't even know how, but he will.)

Bobby Lashley lost the match, but that's okay. After the show he apparently broke Cena's nose in the car park and said, "That's for Basic Thugonomics, poofstain."

Speaking of poofstains, HP7 was released over the weekend. Oh really? Harry Potter! Never heard of that!

Yeah, you have. Don't be shit.

So, I couldn't get ANYWHERE in the city on the weekend. I had to dodge Harry Potter fans. Sick of dodging them, I decided to make them dodge me...and my roundhouse kicks, that is.

CONCLUSION: HARRY POTTER FANS AREN'T GOOD AT NOT GETTING ENDED.

Man, the movie just came out too. I'm not sure if I want to see it if Gary Oldman dies in it. Gary Oldman rocks so much shit. You know what is irritating? On his wikipedia page, his top notable role is as Sirius Black in the Harry Potter movies.

I'm pretty sure that Gary Oldman was born with a 10 ft dick and a literal license to kill. (He still has that license today. Doubt it? Well, he'll just kill you legally then. Owned.)

So, all together, hopefully you can understand that I was still busy in those 8 days when I didn't blog...

Also, who are you and why are you judging me?!

What did I have to do today?

2007-07-16T02:05:00.000-07:00

I just kept on forgetting all day. It was something...very...important.

I took a quick look at my hand and instantly remembered! That's right!

I've got to...

Why I am terrified.

2007-07-14T02:51:00.000-07:00

I don't get that easily scared. I'm a manly motherf**ker and I don't take no guff. However, I just completed an episode of Knight Rider and now, I'm itchy, I'm looking around, I have deadlocked my front door, and all because of this man...

..."Who's that?" you ask, "Isn't that just Hoff with a moustache and love patch?"

WRONG. That's Garthe Knight, Michael Knight's EVIL TWIN and that ain't no love patch. That's a certified death patch! What yourself, because Garthe is out to wreck some people's shit.

Christopher Walken (all over you)

2007-07-04T04:04:00.000-07:00

So here we have it. I sat down and was watching Fatboy Slim's video clip for Weapon of Choice, when I recognized the familiar face staring back at me from the TV set. It was Christopher Walken and I shat my pants.

This isn't a Manly Biography, no no no. This is just a small article of appreciation for Christopher Walken in all his manly sweetness.

Firstly, Christopher Walken is known for his unique voice, which can be compared as a cross between Woody Allen and William Shatner. Too bad Walken could end both of these bastards in a cage fight. That's how he obtained the voice in the first case. He was a gifted tongue twisting fast talker as a kid, but one day some guy tried to pick him in the school yard and BAM Walken got into a fight. He played possum for a bit and took some nasty blows to the head, before he manned up and decked the prick - OUT COLD. However, he took a bad blow to the speech section of his brain and from then on he...talked...LIKE this. Don't...YA KNOW. Why...he talks...LIKE...THIS.

Secondly, Christopher Walken is known for his impressive filmography. What's not known is that he often comes up with alternate titles for movies that he stars in, sometimes not to the like of the producers. For example, when filming 'The Deer Hunter', Walken decided 'Deer. End you.' would be a much better title. However, the producers did not think so. Walken drove them crazy...PILEDROVE THEM CRAZY! He also had a short role in Pulp Fiction as Captain Koons, a seemingly minor character. There was actually a 40 minute fight scene between Walken and a pack of lions, hovering above a pit of lava on a spaceship, but this was edited out after Tarantino and Walken had a fight. A cage fight...where Walken BROKE Tarantino. It started after a small dispute over the title of the movie. Walken thought that "Breaktime sluts" was a much better title than "Pulp Fiction". CORRECT HE WAS. Tarantino shouldn't have messed with the likes of Walken.

Coming in at number 3 is Christopher Walken's amazing talent for witty one liners. Some famous quotes from his cage-fighting days:

I'm WALKEN all over you!
I'm Walken and I'm a maaaaan! (To the tune of 'Working for the man')
(After breaking someone's legs:) Oh...I can lend you my wheelchair. WRONG! That's Christopher Reeve! SHAZAM, BITCH!

And finally, Christopher Walken can fly. He often uses this to check out bitches and set animals at the zoo on fire.

Gmale

2007-06-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

Being the trendy, yet manly man that I am, I use Gmail. It's efficient, fast, user-friendly and overall has a nice little appeal to it. But there's one little feature that makes it really stand out from the other email providers.

The spam delete button. Have you ever seen anything manlier than that right there?

It's like, "Hey, there's some viagra products that I don't need...DELETE FOREVER TO THE DEPTHS OF THE INTERNET." (Note there's no exclamation mark. A real man doesn't need an upside-down 'i' to make him seem manlier. He takes the full stop and utilizes it with vigor.)

I only hope that Hotmail can follow the manly trend.

Anyways, congrats to Google for putting the 'male' into Gmail.

Clint joins Technorati

2007-06-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

Technorati Profile

There it is. Go to it now and check how sweet I am even outside of Blogspot.

Clint.

p.s. How does this even qualify as a post. It's a quarter of a post. It's just a p. A few more paragraphs and it earns the 'ost'.

Clint's Pint-sized Update - T-Jef

2007-06-28T02:32:00.000-07:00

Thomas Jefferson, bitches!

That right there is a portrait of Thomas Jefferson riding a Bearpard (Bear x Leopard), while fishing for bitches with a taco on a fishing rod. That's how they pimped in the 1800s, bitches.

T-Jef clearly comes up on the Top Presidents list. A few other notable names being:

Bob Dole - breaks bitches
George Washington - does bitches
Bill Clinton - marries bitches

(Ooh, witty, Clint! Witty! Very topical! Political! What are you doing with that knife, Clint? ARGH! KNIFE-SUPLEXED!)

I just murdered the peanut gallery, bitches.

Manly Bathroom

2007-06-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

So I went to see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer tonight, and I soon discovered that a more appropriate name for the movie would have been Mediocre Four: Rise of the Silver Bitch That Breaks Shit But Turns Out to Be Pussy-Whipped By His Alien Bitch.

Ooh, spoiler warning!

So after I got out of the cinemas, feeling mildy disappointed, I went to take a monster piss. And there, sir, I stumbled upon the manliest bathroom in existence. Just have a look at the sign out the front.

That's right. It advertises the fact that it's a male toilet by showing a bulging picture of some guy's bicep. Ding ding ding, sweet shit alert! The only way this bathroom can get manlier is if inside, they made you piss while cage-fighting 34 bears...but that'd be copying Chuck Norris' bathroom.

Well, inside there wasn't much more than there normally is; a few guys pissing and whatnot. Of course, the obligatory guy in a trench coat, looking sullen with his lip-piercing. Didn't you see the bicep out the front? That means no pussies, dickhead. Go somewhere else to sit down and "tinkle", for this is the bathroom of MEN, my black-haired friend! We here dispense condoms, not tampons! We have urinals, not sewing machines! We have paper towels, not teacups! The only cakes we have are urinal cakes - with no icing and a bitter, disinfectant taste! And our soap's only fragrance is a hint of fireman's sweat and battery acid, not lavender and lilak, the unmanly twins! So take your urinary needs elsewhere, for this is not a RESTROOM, for we do not REST, we strive on through the nice and SMASHTIME everything in sight! For we are MEN, and this is our SMASHROOM.

Passionately,
Clint.

Hoff wins out again

2007-06-16T00:56:00.000-07:00

A beaming David Hasselhoff says he had won a long-running battle with ex-wife Pamela Bach over custody of his two teenage daughters.

Here's the image that accompanied that article.

See that tiny hint of a smile within Hoff's manly cheeks? That is defined as 'beaming'. That is the biggest smile that Hoff can give, because smiling is a sign of weakness, and this guy ain't no weak pussy bitch, no no no.

So, he won the custody case over his daughters. Good on him. It's clear that he used no lawyer at all, but merely proceeded to END his ex-wife and her shit lawyer with a crotch-kick.

How much nerve does his wife have trying to hassel the hoff anyways? Last time someone tried to give him shit, they copped the old Hoff-Stinkeye. Literally, he shat in their ocular cavity.

Recently, it's also come to attention that Hoff has a bit of a drinking problem. Sure, he enjoys a snifter of beer every now and then, but his "secret" wouldn't have been out if it wasn't for his disobedient daughter who went and released a tape of him, drunk, onto the internet.

Nice one. Your dad is the Hoff, and he's going to beat you to death with his German pimphand. It'll be like, "DAS PIMPHANDEN" and SWOOSH, she'll be out of the atmosphere. (If she returns, he's just going to kick her in the head anyways.)

Hoff breaks.

M.A.N.L.Y

2007-06-11T21:43:00.001-07:00

A while ago, I wrote a story about Chuck Norris who had been put into a coma by Mr T. However, this issue has been resolved and it turns out that Chuck was merely faking the coma. After returning back to his asskicking state, he beat Mr T so badly that he turned white. Then Chuck beat him black again. Amazing.

But one thing I forgot was to inform everybody about M.A.N.L.Y - it's like the manly secret police. A society of the manliest individuals to ever walk the earth. They all get together, play poker, cage-fight and pick up bitches.

As we can see above me, there's a hierachy to M.A.N.L.Y. Chuck Norris, of course is at the top, he's the C.E.O, which stands for Chief Executive Overlord. Below him, we can see Vin, Hoff and Mr T, watching over everything, making sure there's no unlicensed talking cars or jibba-jabba. Below that, we see Billy Zane and Michael Parkinson watching over the security needs of the corporation. These two suplex on sight. Finally, below them is the entire UFC. They act as the minions to Chuck's manly plans.

So, you've never heard of M.A.N.L.Y before? (That's probably because you're a big pussy with a waxed chest and the James Blunt discography, with all of your Degrassi episodes favorited on YouTube. You make me sick you pussy bitch.)

M.A.N.L.Y are actually responsible for a lot of things that you wouldn't have guessed:

Found Saddam Hussein. (Parkinson suplexed him so hard, Saddam grew a beard. This is known as the Transfer of Manly Energy.)
Tore down the Berlin Wall. Hasselhoff was responsible for this one. He needed to reunite Deutchland so his relatives could live together in peace. Also, he needed a soda from East Germany and the wall shat him.
Assisted in the moon-landing. The rockets were fueled by UFC's urine combined with Chuck Norris' semen. An EXPLOSIVE combination.

But, M.A.N.L.Y are also responsible for a lot of things that no-one has heard of at the moment:

They killed the following people for being deadshits: Dan Brown

And what an accomplishment that is.

Manly Biographies: Michael Parkinson

2007-06-10T03:37:00.000-07:00

Michael Chokebomb Parkinson was born 3000 years ago on the Isle of Steakentitts, an Island populated entirely by wrestling gorillamen with axes. He was, like the other youth in his village, trained up to become a mighty warrior.

At age 3, he showed exceptional fighting skills after he punched a swordfish in the face so hard that it turned into a leopard. For this he was greatly acknowledged by the elders in his tribe who decided to put him in a time capsule set to release him in 1935, the supposed year of his birth.

After the capsule opened, he found himself 20km underwater. It was evident that his village and the rest of the Isle of Steakentitts had been destroyed. He burst open the capsule, f**ked up some angler fish, got a tattoo and macked a mermaid before jet-propelling himself to the surface and swimming to England, where he roamed the sewers for many years.

At age 11, he ventured to the surface of London where he had much difficulty understanding the modern world, seeing as he spoke no English. He quickly fixed this problem by ripping open a shopkeepers head and stealing the language part of his brain, before attaching it to his own throbbing headjelly. However, the shopkeeper's brain was never the same and he developed an impairment in his central nervous system, affecting his motor skills and speech. This is now known as Parkinson's disease.

After this, he recruited into the army, lying about his age, since Parkinson was so manly, he had a handlebar moustache at age 11 that would make Yosemite Sam stab himself in the throat with a toothpick.

While fighting over in France, he learned that he could not be killed. A tremendous boost to his confidence, he proceeded to do undercover operations for the British, including busting into a trench unarmed and breaking 30 Germans with his amazing fighting techniques. It was at this age that he invented the original suplex. The French called it 'souplesse', which eventually translated to suplex.

After returning from the war, he started into martial arts. He was known for cage-fighting under the pseudonym, 'Piledriving Parky'. He was often disqualified from the matches for stabbing people with mind-knives. A sneaky trick indeed, because Parkinson is a sneaky motherf**ker.

In the 80s, he started interviewing moderately well-known celebrities. However, backstage he would get into fights with them about imaginary insults and situations. This proved him to be a shithead to work with...a manly shithead.

Parkinson has been interviewing celebrities for the last 25 years or so, and doing a sweetshit job at it too. Occasionally on his holidays he likes to go back to the spot where his home country was, and dive down to deep-sea levels and fight sea monsters.

PARKINSON TOP 5 FACTS:

1. He's had sex with the Loch Ness Monster
2. He doesn't clean his own teeth - he clicks his fingers and his 'bitchaz' come do it for him.
3. He often paints self portraits of him suplexing bears...while he's actually suplexing bears. He multitasks better than a...bowl of piss. Shit, I dunno.
4. Is close friends with Chuck Norris. They cage-fight together. The tally is pretty even so far. That's right - Parkinson has beaten Chuck Norris.
5. Parkinson used to have kids...till he beat them to death over a broken vase. He suplexed all 25 kids into a pile of...

WAIT FOR IT...

...a pile of shattered glass, BBC Comedy DVDs and 87 rolled up posters of Goldust.

Akon's steaming bowl of smashtime

2007-06-10T03:29:00.000-07:00

So it appeared on the news.

On June 3, 2007, at WSPK-FM's KFEST concert at Dutchess Stadium in Fishkill, New York (near Poughkeepsie), a concert attendee threw an object towards Akon on stage. Akon asked the crowd to identify who threw the object and that he be brought on stage. Security staff grabbed the young man and took him up to the stage. Akon then pulled him up from the crowd and hoisted him across his shoulders. The rapper then tossed the attendee back into the crowd from his shoulders. Video of the incident was reviewed by Fishkill police and they are interested in speaking to the thrown boy to determine if charges will be filed. - Wikipedia

Now, maybe I've been too hasty on judging Akon.

No, I haven't. I'm always right. What I will settle on is GENERALLY Akon isn't the manliest of sorts, but here we have it - some kid shits him about and what does he do? He doesn't throw the kid out of the show, no. He just pulls him up onto stage and then throws him back the piss down again. That's the manliest thing I have seen in a long time.

But it got me to thinking, what if this was the normal thing to do in all walks of life? George Bush picks Saddam up onto his shoulders and throws him into a crowd at a show? I'm up for it.

You know who is arseing manly? Michael Parkinson. Yeah, that old British dude. Goddamnit, I'll be back in a sec with a manly biography...

Clint does some piss quiz

2007-06-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

EIGHT LASTS

8. last kiss: Right now. I'm making out with twenty alien women in a steel cage.
7. last beverage: Whiskey - hold the whiskey...THAT'S RIGHT, I DRANK ICE AND GLASS.
6. last phone call: Jason Alexander, telling me how much he loves my work and would like to be a part of it. I suplexed him through the phone.
5. last text message: Jason Alexander. I replied with a text-piledriver.
3. last BUBBLE bath: What the f**k is a bubble bath?
2. last time you cried: Never.
1. last time you hugged someone: Never.

SEVEN have you’s:

7. have you ever dated someone? Yes. They broke my heart, so I punched them in theirs.
6. have you ever been cheated on?: In monopoly. F**kin' Top Hat.
5. have you ever kissed someone & regretted it?: No. I rock.
4. have you ever fallen in love?: One of my girlfriends said she fell in love. So I made her fall into a pile of glass, then made a series of quips about the event.
3. have you ever lost someone?: To my own rage, yes.
2. have you ever been depressed?: No. I rock too much ass.
1. have you ever had a heartbreak?: Have I ever heard a heartbreak? Yes. Yes I have. It goes like this, EHHHHHGHHHHH-KACRAAAACK!

SIX things you did in the past three days:

6. Went to school: No.
5. Went to work: Yes, and I suplexed some guy into himself.
4. Colored: Get out of it.
3. Got drunk: Yes. I am drunk right now. I don't get drunk. I get sobre...rarely.
2. Slept: Restlessly, yeah. Counting down to UFC.
1. Hurt yourself: Botched a suplex. I suplexed myself into a pole made of bats.

THIS YEAR…

Made a new friend: No. New punchees, yes.
Fallen out of love: Fallen out of a plane? Yes.
Laughed until you cried? Laughed till someone else cried? Yes. That'll teach that kid for breaking his leg.
Went behind your parents back: Nah, my dad raised me right. With barbed-wire and Hulk Hogan.
Met someone who changed your life: ...They call him Chuck! Ooooh-oooh! Chuck! Chuck!
Gotten close to someone: For a leglock, yep.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF..

1. Bush: He makes me want to rap about how sweet he is.

2. Gay marriage?: Doesn't really bother me. It's pretty manly...I guess.

ABOUT YOU:

4. Straight, Gay, Bi?:
STRAIGHT.

6. Do you believe in love at first sight?:
I believe in SAFT. Suplex At First Sight.

7. Is there something you want to tell someone?
Yeah. To Chuck: I want you to kick my ass.

8. What kinda shirt are you wearing:?
No shirt. My chest hair is more than proficient in keeping me warm.

9. How many kids do you want to have?
2. So they can cage fight.

10. Do you have a good relationship with your parent(s):
Yep.

11. Do you want to change your name?
No. It's f**king sweet.

12. What did you do for your last birthday?:
Ended a pigeon.

13. What time did you wake up today?:
8:00am

14. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Your mom, your sister and your hot cousin you wish wasn't your cousin.

15. Name something you CANNOT wait to do?:
Get robotic limbs.

16. Last time you saw your father?:
Few months.

17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?
To be born Chuck Norris.

18. Which hand do you like better?
Pimphand.

19.What are you listening to right now?
People scream.

21. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back?
Yeah. Then I punched them in the temple.

22. What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone?
My Irish friend's "slap-hat"

23. Who’s getting on your nerves right now?:
Dickfaces.

24. Most visited webpage?
www.chucknorris.com

25. Coke or Pepsi?:
Pepsi. Because it sounds like whiskey...kinda.

26. Do you have a crush?
No, but I have crushed people with MY IMMENSELY CAPABLE HANDS!

27. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week?
Uhhhh, yeeeeah!

28. Do you disagree with a lot of things going on in the world?
Yeah. People are pussies.

29. Do you think there’s some models/people out there that should gain a couple pounds?
Yeah, they can come to me to do it. I love pounding models.

ZING MOTHERFUCKER.

30. Do you enjoy your friendship with your friends?
They enjoy it with me, because being a potential punchee is a privelage and a half.

Clint doesn't need attitude. But you need a suplex.

2007-06-01T03:52:00.000-07:00

A big problem I encounter in everyday life is that people don't know who I am. This just means that I get some disrespect every now and again. Needless to say, I suplex people a shitload.

The other day I was at the store and I wanted to get rid of my change and cop some sweet paper bill action right in my wallet. So, here's how the conversation went.

Me: "I'm going to give you this 80c, and you give me $5 change."
Cash-monkey: "...what?"
Me: "See, you're going to give me $4.20, but now I give you 80c of my own, and THEN you give me a $5."
Cash-monkey: *tampering with money* "But...that doesn't make sense."
Me: "You know what? That's alright. I'm going to suck it up and be a bitch and not get my $5. I'll also get some tampons while I'm here thanks."
Cash-monkey: *Blank stare*
Me: "...WRONG, MOTHERF**KER!"

I then smashed the coins on the ground and dented the guy behind me's trolley with my enormous foot.

I need some respect, damnit!

Then I was down at the DVD place and I asked for the Walker Texas Ranger DVD, and I got some disrespect again, for shit's sake...

Me: "Hey, do you have Walker Texas Ranger?"
DVD-Chump: "With Chuck Norris?"

Let me stop right here. I know this really isn't disrespecting me, but, have you seen the show? No, buddy, it's the Walker Texas Ranger with Tom Cruise. He's a gay cowboy who believes in Xenu and won't hurt the bad guys because he believes in taking the pussy way out and talking it over in a calm fashion over a latte at an expensive coffee place where you 'pay for the atmosphere'. F**k the atmosphere and f**k Tom Cruise. Let's continue.

Me: "Yeah, that one." *he hands me the DVD, which has $30 clearly marked on it*
DVD-Chump: "...It's $30."

THANK YOU!

Me: "Yeah I can see."
DVD-Chump: "Yep."
Me: "Look, I'll pass today. Thanks."
DVD-Chump: *sighs*

Nothing to say about this. There wasn't much more that happened. I left the store.

...Then came back and suplexed the guy over the counter onto a pile of...

...
...
...

...broken DVD-cases, ducklings, posters of 'Saved by the Bell', a signed photograph of Jenny Garth, and 34 postage stamps depicting the King of Prussia punching a Spaniard in the mouth.

Manified.

Clint's Parenting FAQ

2007-05-25T02:33:00.000-07:00

I won't go out and say kids are shit, but after my observations I've come to a conclusion.

A pissload of them need a kick in the face.

I was at the store the other day and some kid was wreaking havoc while his parent tried to calm his ass his down with some gentle words and stern tones. How about a stern suplex into an even sturner pile of broken ceiling fans?

Really, if kids aren't having the shit hit through them for being smartasses today, they're just gonna grow up to be pussies when they're older. Then, when they're thirty, they'll talk to their kids like dickheads too, and then there'll be a whole world full of pussies, and then there'll be the great Pussy vs Man War of 2066, where the Chucknorrisites will fight the Jamesbluntians for parenting glory!

Not on my watch, motherf**ker.

Clint Punch has some sweet shit parenting alternatives.

-Kids drawn on the wall? Put their head through it.
-Kids won't eat their vegetables? Send them to Soviet Russia...WHERE VEGETABLES EAT KIDS.
-Kids won't eat their steak? F**k them, eat it yourself.
-Kids want to know what sex is? Don't tell them. They don't deserve the knowledge.
-Kids are being picked on at school? Other kids are pretty damn good at determining who the “loser” is in school. Looks like your kids a loser.

Two things I say to this:

1. Tease him because he's a loser. Determine what makes him a loser and tease him for it. E.g. Big ears, dickface, etc.
2. Ha, your kid's a loser. Neh neh neh neh, dickface dickface.

-Kids have their first girlfriend/boyfriend? Feign nice to the girlfriend/boyfriend, then when your kid's not looking, suplex their date onto a fence.
-Kids spending all their time on MSN/AOL/MySpace? Create your own account on a separate computer, and then add them in the chat client saying you're a hot girl/boy, then act like you “like them”, say you want to “meet them in da city”, and then, when you're driving your kid in to the city, swerve the passenger side of the car into a tree. Owned, bitch.
-Kids doing drugs? Coke: break their nose. Weed: punch them in the mouth. Smack: stick their face in acid. (Suggested one-liner: “The only smack around here is the sound of my hand hitting your mouth!”)
-Kids reading poetry? Ha. Your kid is gay.
-Kids laughing at Jimmy Fallon? Tackle them to the ground, figure-four leglock them, and then delayed suplex them into a pile of shattered CD cases and pen lids. There is no greater shame a parent can have than a Jimmy Fallon fan. Taxi was shit and for once, the French guy was better.

All in all, you've got to contribute to kicking some kids' asses. What are you? Some kind of pussy who can't hit a 10 year old? MAN UP!

Beijing 2008

2007-05-09T01:00:00.000-07:00

As we approach 2008, the pre-emptive stench of an unmanly Olympic games in Beijing is already wafting into the privacy of our homes and beating us in the face with it's pungent 'failurility'. But why is it going to be 'not-very-good'? Here are Clint's Top-Ten reasons:

1.No '-tossing' events. This includes dwarf-tossing, baby-tossing, beer-tossing, etc. Lets, however, be thankful that there is no 'salad-tossing' event. I'm talking to you, Sweden.

2.Bruce Lee is dead, and China's manliness has just been spiraling downwards since.

3.We won't be able to read those hilarious supporter's signs, because they're not in the sweetest language ever: Bear. Coincidentally, they're not in English either.

4.Weight-lifting is manly, but just not that sweet. Clint pumps iron, but not that much iron. I prefer picking up bitches rather than picking up weighted bars. Yeah, I give them the ol' “snatch and grab” and I get the “clean and jerk” in return, if you know what I mean.

5.Rhythmic Gymnastics. Twirling ribbon? I'll twirl your intestines through your mouth.

6.These new fangled Olympic Torches. When Muhammad Ali carried the torch, he didn't use a gas-powered bullshitty glossy motherf**kin' pussy stick. No, he declined this angrily and opted for his hand to be covered in oil and lit up. He complained afterwards about the lack of pain.

7.No UFC. There's Taekwondo, sure! There's kickboxing, sure! But until I see someone's arm broken inside a cage, I will remain manlinessly upset.

8.Diving. Shit sport. All the divers can dive into my fist, and somersault into pain.

9.Gymnastics is sweet, sure. They're doing fancy flips. BUT THEY'RE NOT ATOMIC, ARE THEY? PISSING-FART NO.

10. (And the final reason...) Based on assumptions from previous Olympics, I highly doubt there will be any piledrivers off cliffs in Beijing 2008. If there is, I will be so filled with manliness that I will get up, walk next door to my noisy-shit neighbour and German Suplex him into a pile of...(wait for it...)

...a pile of bent nails, broken picture frames, torn-up Metallica posters, a collection of Saved By The Bell memorabilia, and a big bowl of PAIN.

So what do you propose, Clint? What say you about this Olympics, then? (Well, first I'd smack you in the face for saying “What say you?”. This is what I say: MAN UP.)

So, Clint's Top 10 inclusions for a Manly Olympic Games 2008:

1.Opening ceremony should have a performance from K-Fed. Well, not really a performance. Just him attached to a car battery while Vin Diesel macks about. (You know, I don't really mind K-Fed as much. Sure he's a pussy, but shit he's funny. Like when he broke up with Britney and she went la-la...wait, she broke up with him? He'd better man up and shit in her letterbox.)

2.Many events replaced with episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger.

3.Midget play areas. (They deserve fun too, you f**king bigot.)

4.Child-discipline event.

5.Blindfolded javelin athletes.

6.Official disputes and protests will be solved by a Billy Zane-style Arm Wrestle. (Essentially just arm wrestling, except at the same time, your bicep is sanded. The first one to pussy out loses.)

7.Chuck Norris guest-judging shitty sports, so he can rip ass all over the archers. (I'm invisioning something like, “That was a good shot...if you meant to suck dick.” then he kicks them in the dick so hard they vomit an anvil.)

8.Closing ceremony should be changed to an hour of David Hasselhoff, choking farmyard animals in acid.

9.Bring Bruce Lee back from the dead. But keep an eye on that motherf**ker.

10. Spanners.

Introducing Jag Cliff

2007-05-01T02:11:00.000-07:00

This is Jag Cliff.

He is the manliest robot alive. He's made of metal, has red lights for eyes, and is ready to smack some bitches in the face. In fact, last time he smacked a “bitch” in the face, it was popular singer and bassist Sting. Jag then followed up the smack with a one-liner, making use of his Mantel MANUP Processor, saying, “I bet that STUNG, STING!” Jag then laughed so hard that he turned Sting sterile.

As previously mentioned in an earlier blog entry (piledrive yourself into it), that Jag Cliff is a robot that is the leader (or ComMANder) of a manly superteam consisting of Chuck Norris, David Hasselhoff, Vin Diesel, Lord Flashheart (of Blackadder fame), and Billy Zane. Whenever there is pussyness in the world, the superteam is there, under the heavy guidance of Jag Cliff and his robotic nutsack.

But what do we know about Jag Cliff, really?

Not much. Because he delivered a robotic uppercut to his past.

We do know that he enjoys defending manly rights. While sometimes thought to be lacking in muscle and strength, Jag is certainly not. One time at a bar, he was getting picked on by some assholes with bracelets, drinking wine-spritzers. They said that he couldn't dance. So, he got up, delivered the 8 minute long Thriller dance (complete with f**kin' zombies), and then choked those pussies to death using HIS BARE FREAKIN' CLAMPS.

What can also be understood about Jag is that he has quite a personal (but strictly hetero) relationship with the members of his superteam. For example, the Hoff and Jag get along quite well, and Jag was best man at Hoff's wedding. Jag pulled the best practical joke. Essentially, Hoff got up and just before he was about to say “I do”, he shot his wife-to-be through the temple. Hoff laughed so hard that everyone got a hard-on...including the women.

Jag has a series of special moves. These exist in three different 'ass-kicking realms'. Those are: Deserving: when the bitch deserves it, Surprising: when the bitch 'deserves' to get their dick scared off, and Laughtime: when it's funny as a bowl of piss. Jag is very spiritual about his moves, and carries them out solemnly and perfectly. His most well known move is the 'Shake and Bake and DIE'. This involves him shaking some pussy so hard that it's brain hits the back of its skull and tears through. It's HILARIOUS.

He also has a series of catchphrases, such as 'Hey I'm Jag Cliff'. He is not well-known for his catchphrases.

He came to public notoriety in 2000, when at the Olympic Games, he threw a 200kg Jamaican dwarf into a firey-wall of snakes. There was much applauding, but he was promptly removed by security because unfortunately there is no event called the 'Obese Jamaican Dwarf Toss'.

That's why Beijing 2008 will suck.

So in conclusion, Jag Cliff is a manly robot that smacks bitches, commands a superteam, dances, strangles pussies, and a whole lot of other PUNCHTIME stuff.

While we're here - moon boots

2007-04-24T05:24:00.000-07:00

Just stopping off quickly to give a little lecture about something that's been troubling me lately.

Moon Boots and Their Importance in Today's Society

There's something troubling me about today's society, and that is that we have shitty small phones, compact cars and not enough raw meat being served at McFailures. But what the real issue here is why in this day and age, we don't have moon boots.

Why moon boots?

Better question: Why the suplexing hell not?

Because moon boots kick arse. They aren't overly manly, no. But they are a lot more manly than the soft-leather Italian loafers that people are clothing their feet with these days. Italian shoes! The only good thing to come out of Italy was DEATHPIZZA.

I mean, don't get me wrong here, I'm not going for the whole Sci-Fi thing with the moon boots, I just think they may be a platform to launch us into a whole new level of super-bruising ass-kicking. It may sound like something out of a comic here, but I can assure you - I don't read comics. I roundhouse kick them into confetti, vacuum it up, and then feed it to kids with iron deficiency. (Kidding...kind of.) But the only manly comic out there is my comic: it's not funny and it hurts the reader's face physically.

On more moonish matters, (and in closing, without any real points, because I have to take a piss...[a sweet piss made of manly acid that breaks sewer bitches]), moon boots should come standard with a birth. We should be equipped them from a young age and we should use them to aid running to the store to get jerky, or getting better footing when snap-suplexing someone into a pile of...

(wait for it...)

Hard-boiled candy remnants, stale muffins, and used porcelain from the Baroque period.

In conclusion, moon boots rock ass.

(Now I have to go chuck a monster-piss and burn a whole in the back of the toilet with my manly excretions.)

The Irish

2007-04-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

This video has been mistaken for a comedy. In fact it is a remarkably short documentary on the life of a typical Irish couple. The Irish are a terrifying bunch of people, and while some nationalities are noted for their artistic skills, sporting talents or beauty, the Irish are noted for none of these. However, they are well-known to love to fight, kick ass, get drunk as shit and punch people in the face.

I once had an Irish friend called Seamus. I met him at my local bar when he won the snooker tournament by yelling at the cue-ball. He used to break people in the face whenever they got 'lippy' at the bar. It was the manliest display ever. He drank Guinness and ate spanners. I went to fix a giant moose head in my loungeroom one day, but my spanner was gone. The arsehole had eaten it. So, I went and tried to fight him. I was in intensive care for 6 weeks. Don't f**k with the Irish.

It should also be noted that Chuck Norris is part-Irish. Coincidence?

...

What the shit? No. Of course not. No coincidence. Shit.

One thing that should be noted about the Irish is that they are not sexist. They punch all genders in the face!

Bear.

2007-04-21T01:18:00.000-07:00

THERE IS A BEAR BEING WRESTLED BY THAT GENTLEMAN.

That's manly. That is possibly the manliest thing I have ever seen. You can say what you want about professional wrestling, but there is an unmuzzled bear getting taken to town by some manly motherf**ker.

So when are YOU gonna wrestle a bear?

Double Entendres

2007-04-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

Double Entrendres are manly. That's it. The article could end right there, because I really don't need to back this up. They're sweet as ass. You ask why? I shouldn't tell you why, but I'll give you it right now.

(Ha. Give you it...right now.)

Double Entrendres are manly because they trick bitches. People think that they are just engaging in a normal conversation, everythings fine and then BAM! IT HITS. They feel confused and frustrated. Often, concussion can be synonymous with double entendres, because they are so manfullylyly...ly witty that it breaks part of the receiver's skull and bangs their brain into the side of their head.

(Ha. Bangs.)

Hasselhoff has been noted for his use of double entendres throughout his career, such as the infamous unaired Baywatch episode where he dropped a load of double entendres on Pamela Anderson. (Ha. Load.)

Here's the script:

Pamela: “I'm not sure if I can take it anymore!”

Hoff: “Don't you like taking it?”

After the cameras were turned off, Hoff laughed so hard he tore skin off Pam's face, and then punched her in the boobs to 'finish it'.

Billy Zane has been known time to time to use double entendres as well, but often complicates them too much and ends up breaking someone's neck. Example, in a deleted scene from The Phantom, this occurs:

Busty Woman: “Oh, Phantom thank you! I can finally express my feelings. I always have trouble getting those types of things out of me.”

The Phantom: “Ha. Things...out of you. Good Double-E.”

Busty Woman: “...No, my boobs are Double D.”

The Phantom: *clutching head* “SHIT! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! ARGGHH!”

The Phantom then proceded to slam his forehead into the woman's hip, and atomic-drop her into a pile of...

(wait for it...)

(WAIT FOR IT...)

...a pile of lego-pieces, doorknobs, rusty coathangers and genuine moon-boots.

So yeah. Double Entendres are sweet. Too bad they have a French name. That sucks arse.

...Ha...French.

Manly Biographies: Thomas Edison

2007-04-14T05:26:00.000-07:00

Thomas Alva Edison was an American inventor and a manly man who did nothing but make the world a manlier place. Little has been known about the manly side of Edison until recently, when studies were made into some journals found from his inventing days. They listed previously undiscovered patents, such as:

Electric Hammer-spanner
Wrench-Knife
Oversized Wooden Boob For Comical Effect
Wife-Leash

From this evidence, we can see that Edison was more than just some pussy inventor; he was a full-on MAN. There were photos discovered with his journals that also showed him riding a motorcycle at dangerous speeds with no helmet or shoes, doing boxing workouts on a cement fountain, carving a giant penis from volcanic rock and further pictures showing him surfing on said giant rock-penis down a bowling lane, getting a strike, and then headbutting bowling balls.

There was also documentation about the lightbulb he invented, which according the documents, was a mistake. There was no intention for it to give off light, that was a pure coincidence. The real reason Edison invented the lightbulb was to headbutt it for the approval of his drinking buddies, (who were all sick of being headbutted. PUSSIES.)

Also, it is an already well-known fact that Edison didn't wear pajamas to bed which was seen as a sign of 'intellectual quirkiness'. This is untrue. The reason he didn't wear pajamas was because he dreamed of steaks every night and consequently got a massive boner each night and wanted to show it off to anyone who dared venture into his manly lair.

It's clear that Thomas Edison is up with the rest of the manly greats: Chuck Norris, David Hasselhoff, Vin Diesel, and Gimli.

Mr Edison, we salute you!

Clint 2.0

2007-04-07T18:42:00.000-07:00

Is it really the way of the future for Clint Punch?

I really don't want to:

Podcast.
Have people register.
Give up my Chuck-given right to use capitals freely and WHEREVER I WANT.
Use "soft" colours that are pleasing to the eye.
Have other users come in and talk about shit.

Also, I don't see a round-cornered button linking to 'suplex'. I see subscribe, but not close enough. Too much round-cornered and not enough round-housing.

Clint tries WoW

2007-04-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

Addiction does not ensue...However, urge-to-maim does.

So I've heard about the game. Who hasn't? It's a very popular game. It's going to go down as one of the most popular games in the 2000s, even defining the genre of MMORPG.

Too bad it's a pussy-willow, weak-will-spreading arse-puff of a game. I gave it a go. It failed to meet my serious quota. That quota is as follows:

Not sucking............FAILED

Alright, sweet. So, I put in the trial disc and installed it. After 30 minutes, it was sweet to go. Oh, wait, there's some updates. One and a half gig of the arseholes. So, I sit there, leave my computer on and wait. Wait patiently for the updates to download so I can play the game that the critics have been “raving” about.

Cut a long story short, I created my account and made the manliest possible character. A big-ass Tauren Hunter that looked like he was ready to break bitches. He was in the Horde. But whether it's Horde or Alliance, it reads the same to me; Semi-cool pussy vs BITCH-ASS pussy

There I was: in the server, axe in my hand, ready to headbutt some pussy-elves. But what's my first mission? Piss around with a vase of water or some shit! I'm Clint Punch! I don't have to put up with this water-fetching bullshit! I should be able to play a video game and within seconds of beginning, be able to break a bitch in half. BUT NO. Restrict me, WoW, you pansy bastard. If Billy Zane designed this game, it would have started off with a cut-scene of throwing dwarfs into a pile of ducklings and dynamite. Following that, the first “quest” would have been to find pussies hiding in the hills, then suplex them off cliffs into...(wait for it)...(wait for it)...a bucket full of rusty scissors, tin cans, lightbulbs, soggy goat flesh, rock-splinters and discarded TIME magazines from 1940. (1940 – The Year of Chuck Norris' Birth, when he was robbed of his title by Winston Churchill. Chuck got his revenge on Winston 25 years later, by roundhousing him so hard that...he died. Don't laugh, that's a cold-blooded Chuckercution right there.)

So, I grew angry. But relentlessly continued. I wandered about, broke some cougars or something, I don't know. Then I came across a village with some other people. Finally, some people, rather than automated bots telling me to go hunt some shit for the tribe. How does 'man up and piss off' grab you, Chief Fagfoot?

But nothing makes sense in this game. There's a bunch of fags sitting in a circle...

WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE?!

CAN I HARM YOU!?

And that's the problem with this game. It's not appealing to the manly audience. It's appealing to lip-ringed bitches who like to dream about Thorton the Orc-Warrior and his magical Jade Krill Staff Ember. It's shit and I hate it. It's time to man this game up! If Chuck Norris played this game, he'd...well, he wouldn't play this game, because Chuck Norris has taste. As soon as he thinks about the game, however, he can shut down all the servers in the world simply by thrusting his crotch forwards. In fact, there was a time that Chuck Norris did go onto WoW. However he was so manly, when he tried to log on to a server, his computer exploded into a Sega Mega-Drive and he played Street Fighter 2 against Steven Seagal. (Steven won, but then Chuck removed him from the Earth.)

So I walked around some more in this game and tried to get to some place that I needed to get to. Oh, hey cougar. You're a little bigger than other cougars. Oh, shit. I'm pissing dead. That's great. I didn't even realize I was dying, because I was searching for the 'headbutt' key. I've played Barbie games that are manlier than this. (NOT TRUE: I have never touched a Barbie game, and never intend to. Unless it is Street Fighter vs Barbie. Because Ryu wants to haidouken that bitch.)

But how are people playing this? How are people sitting in front of their PCs and playing this trash? There's only one answer: You're all a bunch of pussies. You know you are! If you're paying money to play a game where you walk your magical arse around and complete quests for a bunch of old tit-smokers with nothing better for you to do than to fetch some Eagle Eggs or a Broken Dagger Claw Mage or some crap, then you know that you are truly a giant, wallowing pussy. And even after by brief brush with WoW, I feel that my genitals have shrunk, I am tolerating poetry more and that Jane Austin has a 'slight, almost delicate' appeal to me.

I did say 'boob' in the main server chat a few times though.

The Cup Debacle

2007-04-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

Look, I've had it. I've had it with pussies and their undersized everythings. Miniature mobile phones! I still have a 1994 mobile phone, because it's the size of a brick and hurts like a bitch. None of this “compact” nonsense. Music players? I listen to music on a cassette player as big as my mattress. In fact, it is my mattress. I rarely listen to music however. Normally, I just yell a melody to myself. Oversized is manly, baby!

So, when I want some orange juice from a fast food outlet, I espect a decent sized cup. You know, nothing too manly, because I understand they are under a tight schedule and often cannot bring me a giant pitcher of OJ. But, this is ridiculous.

Look at it. It's practically the size of my finger. About a third of the straw got into it. What kind of pussy-cup are they giving me?

But here's where the beef is: which tiny-boned, small-framed miniscule little creature could possibly be satisfied with the amount of OJ in this here cup?! The only thing that comes to mind is Golum, or Dobby, and still those bitches aren't real! The only market for this cup are elf-bitches that don't exist! It's ridiculous. It's not a cup, it's a sip. It's a pussy-cup. What are they going to do next? Take a hash brown, brush the crumbs into a thimble and give that to you? Seriously, I've given urine samples in cups bigger than this.

If they're going for the 'cozy' appeal, they've failed. When I see this shitty cup, I don't feel warm and fuzzy and think, “Oh boy, this is a real old-fashioned breakfast like in the good ol' days!”. No, I just get angry and embarrassed to be seen walking out of the fast food joint with my bag of burgers and hash browns and my La Petite size freakin' OJ. It's too small! I see it and think, "Whoa, looks like they pissed me about again! Whoooooa, small cup."

It's not compact! It's not handy! It's not 'fold-away-easily-only-29.95'! It's a pussy cup and next time I get some OJ, I want it in a freakin' vase. No, better yet, I want it in a dumpster that they hook onto my tow-bar. Some Street Figher Happy Meal toys wouldn't go astray either! They've failed here, and they need to do something about this packaging, because I am unsatisfied with this pussy attempt.

The OJ was nice, though.

Manliest Online Game

2007-04-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.break.com/games/poundice.html

Go there. Now. I originally embedded, but it covered my sweet-shit fist picture on the right there. See, you're taking it for granted now, but wait till it gets covered slightly.

HOLY ASS-KICKINGS, BATMAN. THAT SHIT IS SWEET.

Seriously though, you may need Shockwave or Flash or some shit. If you don't already have Shockwave, leave my blog. LEAVE. Because if you don't have Shockwave, it proves you are a pussy beyond rescue, because to not have a program called 'Shockwave' is just unmanly. What a sweet name. Shockwave. It sounds like it's not only going to play videos, but also reach through my computer screen and break my face. Shockwave was apparently named after the Roman Emperor, Shockus Wavius, who would get his wang out during parliament and turkey-slap people into concussions.

Actually, I don't have Flash. Because, Clint Punch is too manly for Flash. See, Flash implies the quick showing of genitals on unsuspecting victims. I however have the manly alternative; Adobe Grossly-Protruding-Pants-Surprise. It does much the same thing, just sweet-assier.

Anyways, suck that game straight up into your head, because it rocks an ass or two. Chuck Norris finished that game in 1978, not only before the internet was made, or before computers were made, he finished it before the creator was born. That's not only manly, but pre-emptively kick-ass.

CLINT OUT.

The Manliest Man in Britain

2007-04-04T05:24:00.000-07:00

Generally, the British are a bit on the 'poonce' side of things aren't they? Renaissance ruffs and pissy royalty and all the other pussy-things that the British have! BUT, I happened to view Blackadder 2 the other day and came across none other than the manliest man in Britain. Think of a British Chuck Norris. Yes, that's right. Lord Flashheart. VIEW!

So, where did he kick ass?

WHERE DIDN'T HE KICK ASS?

WHOOOHF!

Manly points that Lord Flashheart covers:

Dirty jokes
Sweet entrances
Loud exclamations
Appreciation for beards
Steals bitches
HEADBUTTS
Makes shit explode

Truly, we need some more Flashheart in this world!

I've assembled a new manly superteam, in fact. 5 members. 5 ASS-KICKING members. That's:

1.Chuck Norris – For killing anything, everything and something at the same time. As if that needed an explanation.
2.David Hasselhoff – For choking animals that get in the way. It is little known that Hoff actually got the role in Knight Rider by not only building the car himself out of old newspapers and tabasco sauce, but he also trained all the animals on the show. That is, Hoff's definition of 'trained'. (Which is throwing a train at the animals. Effective? Well, it was a sweet show, right?)
3.Vin Diesel – For taking care of kids, (a la The Pacifier) then headbutting them so hard they turn into discount coupons for laundromats. (Which Vin uses, because he likes soft clothes and SAVINGS.)
4.Lord Flashheart – For breaking bitches and loud noises.
5.Billy Zane – Uhhhh, for what else? Takin' names, makin' blames, kickin' ass with class and breakin' bitches with a baseball bat made of uranium.

And it'll be led by a sweet manly robot called... Jag Cliff.

Shit, that's manly.

A Study into Chuck Norris

2007-03-25T01:48:00.000-07:00

Well, Chuck Norris has invaded the internet. Not literally. Chuck Norris hasn't invaded the internet...yet. (However, he has invaded numerous counties in Texas and commandeered cattle for his own personal cow-army, which he trains against, and beats.)

1st Video. This is an advertisement for Mountain Dew. At a first glance, it seems like a simple ad. But no. It is a fountain of manly ass-kicking as Chuck Norris demonstrates his extreme hatred for running-ass pussy-geeks and his manly love for hilarious monotonous animations.

From this video, we can understand that:

Chuck Norris loves to kick ass.
Chuck Norris teleports. (His own brand of teleport called 'Chuckipation'.)
Chuck Norris is sweet at Flash movies.

2nd Video:

Chuck Norris was brought to public attention in 2004 when Conan O'Brien started showing clips of Walker, Texas Ranger on his late night show. Unfortunately, Conan made the mistake of ridiculing Chuck and as a result, Chuck got his revenge on Conan backstage one night...

From this video, we can understand that:

Chuck Norris does not take shit.
Chuck Norris kicks ass, especially against talk-show hosts with quaffs.
Whenever Chuck Norris is about to kick ass, a tower of boxes magically assemble. This as known as Divine Chuckervention.

It should be noted that after this incident, Chuck used his MANLY cunning to befriend Conan and have a drink with him sometime, as a sign of forgiveness. However, Chuck Norris waited until Conan wasn't looking, then slipped a roofie into his pink lemonade. While Conan was passed out, Chuck Norris sold Conan's soul to the Devil in exchange for a sweet leather bikie jacket with, 'My other ride is your entire family' embroidered on the back.

3rd Video:

No explanation necessary.

From this video, we can understand that:

Chuck Norris kicks the asses of pussies who run.
Chuck Norris has an old scientist in a sweater, who wears hats at night always on hand to hand him fancy new gadgets.
Chuck Norris is sweet at Jet-packing.

Manly Biographies: Billy Zane

2007-03-23T01:32:00.000-07:00

Kickstarting my Manly Biographies series is the baddest, meanest, MANLIEST son-of-a-bitch to ever wear purple spandex...Billy Zane.

Born William “Sweet-shit” Zane in 1966, Billy started off his childhood on the way to manliness. When he was 3, he learnt to ride a tricycle. Only moments after he mastered it, he packed it full of dynamite and rode it into his neighbour's noisy-shit dog. He taught that Golden Retriever a Golden Lesson: DON'T F**K WITH ZANE.

When he was 10 years old he ran into a bit of trouble with the law, getting taken home by an officer one day from the local park. The policeman caught him beating the shit through some kid because he pees sitting down. Zane found this unacceptable and decided to portray his disapproval by giving the kid a disciplinary clip over the ear...with an electricified shovel. The officer took him home with a warning, but there was no warning for the officer...when Zane telekinetically made the policecar explode into law-enforcing confetti.

At age 16 he had a bad incident with a girl at his school, when one time she made direct eye contact with him and his potency impregnated her instantly, she went into labour two minutes later and gave birth to 28 bearded babies with cowboy hats.

After that he pursued his acting career further and ended up being signed to The Phantom in 1987. Unfortunately there were creative differences between Zane and the director. Zane wanted the movie to be called 'Purple Ninja Who Beats Bitches and lives in a Jungle' and for the tagline to be 'Get purpled, you pussy'. The director then signed over Lee Marvin in place of Billy Zane. Zane went and found Lee Marvin's house one night and they had a fight that lasted 19 hours (not including the 442 mile wagon-race). Lee Marvin eventually passed away after Zane backflipped off a moving train onto Lee Marvin's Ferrari, which Lee loved so much he drank acid to put himself out of the misery of not driving such a sweet car.

Zane then went into hibernation for 9 years and came out as a sweet-ass butterfly, but realized that butterflies are kind of pussy-ish. So he hibernated for another few minutes and then came back out as the manliest thing possible: Billy Zane.

Then in 1996 he made The Phantom, compromising his original title choice for a sweet-ass ring that broke bitches. He's got a wolf in that movie. He actually owned that wolf in real life. He found it when his pet dragon, Toto shat it out.

After than, he went onto starring in Titanic where he was originally cast as the Iceberg, but since that wasn't “historically accurate” he instead acted as a gun-wielding sick-ass. I barely remember him in that movie, but I'm sure that there was a scene where he cut metal with his chin.

His next sweet appearance was in Charmed in 2005 where he starred as Drake. Here's a video to explain truly how kick-ass manly Billy Zane really is:

Manly Theatrics

2007-03-18T05:02:00.000-07:00

Ah, theatre. Long-time enemy of manliness. Refuge of pussies.

But, for you semi-men interested in reconciliation, there is a medium! There's a healthy mid-point. And that exists in this video:

You see, if only there were more people like this. Manly MEN. Check out the sweet-shit guns on Little John. I heard that one time he was playing street fighter and he got such a high-score, he was transported into the game and haidoken'd Ryu into a pile of dead birds.

The Manliest Comic Badasses

2007-03-15T02:43:00.000-07:00

So, I've been watching some Marvel movies lately. (If you're pissed already just from reading that sentence, then man the shit up. Marvel did a kick-ass job making the comics into movies, so give up, shut up and MAN UP.)

There's a reason they called the X-Men the X-MEN.

Anyways, I saw X-Men 3 the other day and it wasn't till the movie had finished that I realized how sweet Juggernaut is. He builds momentum and breaks bitches. That's it. Case and point, right there. You know what? Withdraw the troops from Iraq and just send J-Naut over there. He'd restore order in about 5 minutes, or however long it takes him to break some bomb-pussies. Then he can run his ass over to Afghanistan and find Osama. (Just kidding. He won't find Osama. Because I found Osama. He's in my basement. I'm just not telling anyone for kicks. Don't worry, I beat the pussy.) Manliest part of X3 was when Juggers unleashes that line, “Do you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, BITCH!” There's a deleted scene where from there, he gets Pyro to cook him up a 200 pound steak and then eats it in one bite...and asks for seconds.

Luckily they picked one of the sweetest people for the part. Vinnie Jones. You know, that big-rig that snapped bitches in the head in Snatch? Yeah. That guy. I heard that one time his mother told him to eat his dinner. Instead he glared at her, and the sheer magnitude of his sweetness made her dinner turn into lava.

Wolverine is a pretty manly man while we're on the topic of ass-kickers. (If you're pissed off now because I called Wolverine a man when he is technically a mutant...KISS MY ASS.) I saw Wolverine whip so much ass in the X-Men trilogy, my face started tearing at the sides, my teeth loosened and the plastic things on my shoelaces fell the shit off. All because of Wolverine's ass-kickin'. Him and that blue badboy, Beast went tag-team all on Magneto's ass at the end. He was doin' his pussy shtick with the metal and whatnot, and up came Beast from behind and went MAN on his ass, which is what he gets for tryin' to get all magnetic up in the X-Men's faces.

"Throw me." And whatta ya know? Sentinel gets manned up. No thanks to whingy-bitch Storm.

You wanna know how manly Wolverine is? At the end, when he opens a silo of whoop-ass on Phoenix, her powers are so strong they tear off his costume and his skin...except for his shorts. You know why? Because real men like him wear shorts all the time, every time. Every day. Every night. Every single time of the year. It's always shorts-time for the Wolverine.

In conclusion, go and see these movies if you want to man up a whole bunch. But pay close attention and don't get sucked into the shit B and C grade mutants like that pussy that walks through walls. MEDIOCRE. Or that dick with the spikes coming out of him. That's not a power. That's a party trick. Seriously, 'Spike-man', do you even have a superhero name? If you have one, it's probably shit. Some crap like 'Spiko' or 'Spikester'. Get out of the movie and leave the ass-kickin' to Wolverine, Beast and The Juggernaut...bitch.

The Dual Laws of Discipline

2007-03-13T00:37:00.000-07:00

The Suplex:

A subtle and delicate move performed in wrestling. As we see here in a recently popular viral video, the suplex is implemented quite effectively against some pussy robber who's bout to get his neck snapped for trying to snatch a purse.

That's what happens to people who snatch shit, dig? When I was little, I once tried to snatch a bottle of whiskey from my dads liquor bucket (cabinets are for pussies). When he caught me, he suplexed me back into a pile of hedgecutters and bent spoons. Taught me a lesson it did. Sure, it made me want whiskey even more, but I never took it from the liquor bucket again.

Nothing more really. Just wanted to show that sweet suplex.

Headbutting:

Another video demonstration is required for this one. My apologies for showing soccer, it's a pussy sport with a serious lack of fluorescent lightbulb smashing. Still, here's a sweet-ass headbutt to someone who was clearly askin' for it.

Some example situations where this can be implemented:

At a restaurant and you get the wrong food.
At a wedding and she tries to crack a joke in her vows.
At a funeral and someone eats all the sweet-ass dip that you like. (You don't have to take no shit from some dip-stealin' pussy. HEADBUTT THAT SHIT.)
At a public park and your kid falls off the swing. Seriously, he'll stay on that swing in future if you headbutt some sense into him.
If someone double parks you. You ain't going to be inconvenienced and take it like a bitch, are you?

See, the headbutt sets up a groggy mindset for the receiver. Example:

*HEADBUTT*

Receiver's thoughts: ARGHHH, ME F**KIN' HEAD. IT HURTS AND LIKE SHIT AND STUFF. Ahhhhh, what're ya doin'? Eh? What's happenin'? Huh? C'mon, what're ya gonna – AGHHH GROUND.

Perfect for disciplining young and old.

The masters of Headbutting (AKA The Trinity):

Chuck Norris
Buck Rogers (How do you think he starts his spaceship?)
Bob Dole

Well, that should be enough to sustain some discipline for a while.

Shows that would rock with Chuck Norris

2007-03-10T21:15:00.000-08:00

That 70s Show

It's an alright show. I'm just sick of the lack on manly colors, and the over-usage of hippies. However, if that show had Chuck Norris acting in it, it would be so sweet that when watched, people would shit their pants. Here's my proposal of how the episode would go:

*Sitting around in a circle – camera zooms around to their faces*

Eric: “I mean, it's not like that dog was THAT scary or anything...”

Steven: “It was pretty big, but I pretty much kept it cool...Diggin' it.”

Kelso: “...I wasn't scared...THAT'S A LIE, I WAS!”

Chuck Norris: “You guys are pussies. Eat shoe.” *roundhouse kicks them in the face*

*Fez enters. Stares at the bodies on the ground*

Fez: “...Hey, I just wanted a soda.”

*Chuck Norris glares at him. He explodes.*

Seinfeld

I know it's not on anymore, but it was still a pretty sweet show. That Kramer. However, of course all that 'observational humor' could improve a little if Chuck Norris was making observational wisecracks about everyday dilemmas, like cleaning blood from your socks and how tasty knife-burgers are. An example:

*In Jerry's apartment*

George: “So, there I was, Jerry, in her apartment...with wet pants!”

Jerry: *shakes head* “That's a shame.”

Chuck Norris: *grabs them both by the throat* “THE CHUCK IS OUT OF THE BAG!” *slams heads together so hard that they turn into confetti*

Punk'D

This show was a pussy cross between Candid Camera and Jackass. You know what would have been better than this? David Hasselhoff choking livestock. But that's not proving much, because David Hasselhoff choking livestock is better than most things, so yeah, I guess it would be better, but my point is Punk'D is shite. However, if it had Chuck Norris...

Ashton Kutcher: “So today, I've got Dax down at Chuck Norris' house and he's going to be pretending to be a government official telling Chuck Norris that his house is too big for regulations. It's going to be sweet.”

Punk'd Actor: “I'm sorry Mr Norris, but your house is too big...”

Chuck Norris: *glares* *pulls out magnum from back pocket, unloads it in actor's face, killing him* “DON'T F**K WITH CHUCK!”

Friends

It was a very successful show, yes. But there was one thing lacking: manliness. Seriously, Matt LeBlanc ain't exactly prime-battery-eating material now, is he? So, I propose that if Chuck Norris maybe lived a few apartments along, it would make the show a lot more kick-ass. Example:

*In Central Perk Cafe*

Joey: “Hey, Pheebs, did you ever end up hooking up with that pilot?”

Phoebe: “Hmmm, no.”

Joey: “Well, that's funny because I saw him the other day and he was like, 'whooooa'!”

*canned laughter*

Chuck Norris: “STOP YOUR LIGHT-WEIGHT BANTER IMMEDIATELY!”

*roundhouse kicks them all in the head and then batters them with oars*

Chandler: “Uhhhh, could I be anymore of a beaten-up guy?”

Frasier

There's nothing like a spin-off with Kelsey Grammar. Sure it's kind of funny, it's been fairly successful, but where is the manliness? I've searched through those complicated 'sophisticated' jokes of theirs, and I can't find any references to shooting bears with flaming golf balls. There's a lack of manliness in this show, and there's only one way to fix it; Chuck Norris. Example:

*In radio station, live on air*

Caller: “Hi, Dr. Crane, um, my wife recently left me and well, lately I'm been getting more and more down and I just don't know what to do.”

Frasier: “Well, have you been seeing anyone else lately?”

Chuck Norris: *has grabbed Ros by the throat and taken her microphone* “May I interupt? OF COURSE I CAN INTERUPT!” *rips out Ros' throat* “You see, when your wife leaves you, you've got to accept that she's gone and you have to move on. You can't be a slave to her anymore if she's not there.”

Frasier: “Very well put, Chuck.”

Chuck Norris: “Thank you. Oh yes, and when she's packing up her clothes and calling that taxi to take her away, you've just got to keep on pushin'...PUSHING THROUGH HER RIBCAGE TO TEAR OUT HER HEART! Thank you. Bye now.”

It's quite clear from my examples that without Chuck Norris featuring in every single show we watch, TV is boring. We can only hope that Chuck Norris will go back in time by means of an Ultra-Roundhouse and star in every show since The Honeymooners. (The Honeymooners with Chuck Norris would just be him roundhousing his wife.)

Buck "Roundhouse" Rogers

2007-03-09T04:11:00.000-08:00

Alright, this has to be one of the sweetest beatdowns the Buck Rogers has ever delivered. So, essentially, I'll give you the lead-up for this segment.

He's Buck Rogers and he could kick your ass.

So MANLY. So, there's some guy with a ray-gun; here's how Buck's mind works:

'Mmmm. Ray-gun. BETTER ROUNDHOUSE THIS PUSSY. THEN BEAT UP THESE HERE BROADS. WHOA, SHIT - BOUND BY SOME ROPES OR SOMETHIN'. WHOA, ON THE GROUND.'

I bet that Buck Rogers jump-starts his spaceship by headbutting it.

Breaking News!

2007-03-08T23:34:00.000-08:00

I just got back from the lumber mill, where I was having lunch and I heard some shocking news. There was this big burly guy talking really loudly about something serious. He kept on going, “I can't believe it! A COMA!”. So finally, I cracked and asked him what he was talking about.

He looks at me, and with a look of terror in his eyes he says, “It's happened. The prophecy.”

“What prophecy?” I asked him.

He leaned in really close, till I could smell his steaky breath, and I stifled a hard-on at the scent of it. His beard rubbed against mine, he was that close. He goes, “Chuck Norris is in a coma. It was foretold in the Book of Paul Bunyan, which stated, '...And he shall roundhouse day and night, night and day. But there will one day where he shall roundhouse only in the day, for at night, he will fall to a black warrior.'”

I seriously could not work it out. And when I can't work stuff out, I get angry. My feet were shifting into fight-stance, and I prepared my forehead for some action.

“Explain more.” I demanded.

“Well, essentially, it refers to the one we now know as Chuck Norris. Can you think of anyone else who roundhouses like he does?”

No. I honestly couldn't. Not even Bruce Lee...because he's not alive anymore. (Possibly from Chuck Norris' monster hits in Way of the Dragon. Seriously, BL RIP.)

The burly man continued, “And I just received news from the headquarters in Geneva that Chuck Norris last night was beaten into a coma.”

Geneva? I didn't understand. ANGER. KICK-ASS TIME.

I headbutted him as hard as I could. No effect. He stood there, still. He rolled up his sleeve and showed me a tattoo.

“I'm part of MANLY.”

I stared with a blank expression.

“You know, the secret CIA equivalent for MEN?”

“Oh, right.” I said, “What does MANLY stand for again?”

“It doesn't for anything. It just means we're MANLY.”

“Sweet. So what happened to Chuck?” I asked, trying to gather what I could, realizing that for once, violence wasn't going to work.

“Well, we can't believe it either. We've got the best team of doctors we could get working around the clock to try and bring him out of it. His vital organs are still in tact, and he's still got a rockin' shit boner, but he's just not responding mentally.”

I can't believe it. All my life I've looked up to Chuck, the MAN that can't be defeated. But now, he's in a coma! How can this all be happening?

I punch myself in the face because I'm feeling things. I ask more.

“Who did this to him!?”

“Well,” the manly man continued, “we've got video footage of the attack, but we can't make out the attacker, because he was inside a big black van with a red stripe on the side. We caught something on audio about Chuck being a 'fool' and the attacker apparently 'pitied him'.”

I stood there in shock. My mind racing. Then it came to me.

“MR T!” I yelled at him. “IT'S MR T!”

“Holy shit! You're right!” he yelled back. “I've got to go tell Geneva!”

He pulled out an oversized phone and yelled into it, “STACY! GET MY BAG, BITCH. I'M GOING TO GENEVA!”

He then ran out of the lumbermill to his truck, which had blood splattered all over the front of it.

And that's all I know. I thought I'd come on to tell everyone that the Hero has fallen, and yes, The Propehcy as stated by Paul Bunyan is true. Chuck Norris has been put in a coma by Mr T.

In this time of great despair, we all need to MAN UP just that little more to get through the tough times. Us, as MEN must bond together! But no-one better touch me, or I'll dispense some distilled whoop-ass on you.

Clint's Manly Movie Picks

2007-03-08T03:30:00.000-08:00

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - Gimli

Despite being filled with girly, pointed-ear Orlando Bloom scenes, this movie rocked ass in the aggressive-comical-bearded-dwarves-with-axes department. Gimli the Dwarf turned this movie around for me. At about 30 minutes into the movie I was thinking, “That's it. This is pussy.” Then, I got a break from all the pussy hobbit scenes with Frodo “Captain Bitch-Ring” Baggins, when finally on came Gimli sporting a massive axe and a willingness to use it to kick Sauron's shiny ass.

Seriously, one of the greatest lines I've ever heard in a movie was dropped by Gimli.

Upon some pussy trying to help him over a chasm, he goes, “Nobody tosses a dwarf!”

Manliest line in that whole movie.

The 40 Year Old Virgin – Chest Waxing Scene

Okay, I was sitting in this movie and thinking about how much of a pussy the main character was, but I nearly choked on my beef jerky when I saw Steve Carrell get his chest waxed off.

Now, if you're thinking, 'Clint! How come you're condoning losing chest hair? Isn't chest hair the bomb?', you are wrong. For two reasons:

1.Chest hair can be removed if it is for comic relief, public approval, the enjoyment of pain, or you want to shave “MAN” into it.
2.I'm right. Always. Therefore, you are wrong. I think they call that binary. You know what I call it? Man.

Anyways, Carrell rocks ass for getting his chest beaten down in this movie.

Superman Returns – Monster-crystal-island-levitation scene

Okay, so let's set the scene. That pussy Lex Luthor has gone ahead and found some form of Kryptonite and started trying to wreak havoc upon Metropolis.

NOT HAPPENING.

Superman knows what's going on. He layed some MAN all over Luthor's pussy plan by thinking like a real man and lifting Lex's crystal island straight above his head and launching it...

Stop reading. You're going to have to cup your butt to make sure you don't excrete in awe of manliness.

...okay, launching it...INTO OUTER SPACE.

AND, he did this all with a shiv in his thigh.

A SHIV MADE OF KRYPTONITE.

Holy s-word. That's manly. Superman's clearly thought this through. That pussy rock is going straight for the sun, where the sun is going to lay some MAN all over that bitch rock.

Titanic – Propeller scene

James Cameron could have used “PUSSY BOAT” as an alternative title for this movie and it would have probably fit better than “Titanic”. When I was watching this movie I could barely breath because I was being surrounded by bitch-ass lines like, “I'm king of the world!” from Leonardo “Corporal Feather-anus” Dicaprio. Sure, you're King, Leo. King of the all the other pussies in Pussy Kingdom that is the Titanic. Here's your pussy crown, it's made of lavender and pink streamers. MAN UP LEO!

However, when that monster iceberg went MAN all on the bitch-ship, the manliest thing happened. One guy, who attempted to escape overboard rather than sink to the bottom of the ocean, decided to jump over the end of the ship...

ONTO THE PROPELLER.

It was the sweetest and MANLIEST part of the movie. The guy just ran straight off and BAM, right onto the propeller. What makes it so manly is that he knew he was dead already, so he decided to go out with a bang for public approval and mash his brains straight onto that big-ass propeller.

The Matrix Trilogy – Neo vs Agent Smith

This references parts of Neo and Smith fights from the entire Matrix Trilogy:

Firstly, in The Matrix, in the subway, Agent Smith is giving Neo some lip, so Neo goes MAN on him and fights him. This fights includes:

A roundhouse kick to the face, breaking Smith's pussy glasses. (MANometer Rating: 4/5)

Two consecutive headbutts to Agent Smith's pussy forehead. (MANometer Rating: 4.7/5)

Manly counter-counter after Agent Smith blocks a punch the throat, Neo gives Smith one HELL OF A ADAM'S APPLE FLICKING. THAT SHIT STINGS! (MANometer Rating: 6/5 – IMPROPER FRACTION OF MAN.)

Then, in The Matrix Reloaded, Neo is assaulted by a bunch of Smiths who have decided to be pussies and duplicate themselves because they can't take on Keanu Reeves' kick-ass roundhouses with just the power of one Smith. PUSSIES!

This fight's highlights included:

Ripping up a steel pole from the ground, concrete still attached to the bottom, and wailing on the Smiths with it, including smashing one guy into a giant glass window in an epic display of manliness. He broke some serious digital ribs with that pole. (MANometer Rating: 3.5/5)

Here's where it picks up a little bit: He picks up the pole and them procedes to balance it vertically, then by holding onto it, run around horizontally, while kicking Smiths in the face. Sweetness. (MANometer Rating: 4.5/5)

Okay, so he's down, covered with Smiths. Neo summons all his man power and unleashes an assful of MAN all over the Smiths, by jumping up and throwing at least 20 Smiths off him onto the dirty, suit-staining ground. (MANometer Rating: 4.9/5)

Neo was so potent in that fight, that on the DVD release of the film, you can watch a deleted scene where the Smiths all have hybrid Neo babies from getting their digital uteri POUNDED by Neo's MAN-POLE. (No innuendo intended, because innuendo is for pussies who can't say what they mean blatantly and loudly.) However, at the end of the fight, Neo flew away from the Smiths like a pussy. This was apparently due to an impromptu script change, to which Keanu Reeves (apparently) held done the writer responsible and had those Albino Twins fart in his mouth.

So, in The Matrix Revolutions, there's a bit of rain about, and Smith is all angry about getting his pussy-suit all wet. The manly highlights of this fights were:

Neo gets his ass pounded into the ground in Smiths 'Atomic Spear' move. Being the manly MAN that he is, he gets his unique MANdurance on, and gets BACK UP AGAIN.
Then, he takes a few massive smacks to the head, before delivering a MANLY heart-punch to Smith's chest.

Okay, so it looks like he's defeated...

THINK AGAIN, PUSSY! Keanu's got a plan. So Smith is trying to do his pussy duplication on Neo, and Neo throws in some manly cunning and tricks Smith into thinking that his pussy duplication worked...ONLY TO DESTROY SMITH BEYOND EXISTENCE. After I saw that bit, I got up out of my seat in the cinema, and punched the guy next to be in the collar-bone, because I was possessed by the manliness, flowing from this scene.

All in all, The Matrix Trilogy presents a serious discourse of MANLINESS and ASS-KICKING. I read an interview with the Wachowski Brothers, who directed the movies, that stated that off-camera, Keanu Reeves ate live-scorpions and continually took megashits in Hugo Weaving's trailer just to teach him a lesson for playing that pussy elf in The Lord of the Rings.

Another installment of Clint's Manly Movie Picks is due in soon.

10 Step Man-Plan

2007-03-06T00:14:00.000-08:00

Clint's 10 Step Man Plan

Tired of being a pussy? Then MAN UP, because I'm tired of you being a pussy too.

Step 1 – Steak

The problem with a lot of people today is that they can't take the tangy taste of red meat. Red meat was put on this Earth for one reason: Man's devouring pleasure. I'll be damned if someone's going to take away my right to chomp down a steak the size of a car-battery. Go out and buy a big pack of steaks and put them in a fire. Wait for 10 minutes and then reach into the fire and pull them out. Then eat it as fast as you can and yell while eating it. You're one step closer to being a man.

Step 2 – Aftershave

A core element of being a man is the aftershave. There's nothing worse than a man who has a pussy aftershave, with subtle hints of lavender or rosewood or some unmanly crap. When you're down at the supermarket getting some steaks, take a trip to the hygiene aisle, and pick yourself up a big pack of Old Spice. One time I put my Old Spice in with my groceries, and when I got home, the carrots had grown another six inches. Manly stuff.

Step 3 – Batteries

The tradition of men and batteries goes back a long time. Some say that in his spare time, Julius Caesar would eat 9 volts, just for the fun of it. Nothing spells MAN better than a vast collection of batteries.

Step 4 – UFC

Ultimate Fighting Championship (Non-Chuck-Norris Division) is a Mixed Martial Arts Organization, which means that fighters can rock through other fighters with a suplex, and then finish with a roundhouser. Anything goes...Except headbutting. What pussy on the UFC Board of Directors disallowed headbutting? Other than the lack of headbutting, UFC has some of the manliest men in the world fighting in there. A super-manly alternative to Pro Wrestling, which only has mild manly qualities to it. To be a true man, you must watch and worship UFC as well as reenact the dangerous moves.

Don't believe me? Check it.

Step 5 – Headbutting

As mention above, headbutting is an essential part of being a man. If you're new to headbutting, start out on a plaster wall, then move up to brick. Soon, you'll be ready to move onto lightbulbs. Chuck Norris has recently broken his previous record of 6093 consecutive headbutts of an iron piston, by accomplishing the seemingly impossible; traveling into outer space and headbutting the sun. It got closer to the Earth and is now the cause for what we know as 'Global Warming'.

Step 6 – Chest Hair

Chest hair is essential in being a real man. It keeps you warm. It's got the aesthetic appeal. And in moments of frustration, it gives something to rip out. If you're one of those unmanly pale types that doesn't grow hair very well, that's okay. Just go chew on a chain, and the locks will flow.

Step 7 – Beef Jerky

Recently, scientists have carried out an experiment using lab rats and beef jerky. A little under 5 hours after beef jerky was consumed by the rats, they had already started watching UFC, crackin' open some brewskis and ripping their chest fur out in a manly attempt to out-rip the other rats. This evidence can not be ignored.

Also, a rarely publicized incident about the effects of beef jerky has become known. In 1955, in Maryland, USA, a small toddler stuck under a heavy crate for 4 days, surviving only on a supply of beef jerky he found. After that incident, that's all the toddler would eat. He ate it everyday of his life, often mixing ginger beer and whiskey into the beefy, beefy mix.

That toddler is now known to the world as David Hasselhoff.

'Nuff said – go get some beef jerky.

Step 8 – Tearing phonebooks

Tearing phonebooks is not merely a feat of strength, it is also a sign how manly you are that you can tear up 3000 pages of people's address and phone details. You tear a phonebook, you need a strict training schedule:

Day One: Tear a phonebook.

Can't do that? Well you've failed then, haven't you, pussy? Try again and don't stop till you've done it.

Real men measure everything in phonebooks. At the moment, I can bench 408 phonebooks. Incidently Chuck Norris doesn't need a phonebook...

Because he knows where you live. And your other contact details as well.

Step 9 – Walker: Texas Ranger

Go down to your local record store with a wrench and yell at the pierced clerk, “GIVE ME WALKER: TEXAS RANGER, NOW.”

(If he doesn't comply, remove the piercing with the wrench and ask again, but louder.)

Purchase the boxset. (Stealing is for low-moralled pussies with no money.) Take it home and put the disc into your DVD player. (VHS = suck.) If you bought the right box-set, your TV should have burst into flames, because that is how manly this show is. May I refer you to one of the sweetest moments from Walker ever: The Navy Seal fight. This guy gives Walker a beatdown at the start, but then Walker goes Texas Ranger on his ass. Watch that pussy fall.

You're nearly there. Just one more step.

Step 10 – Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris.

Period.

MANLIEST VIDEO EVER

2007-03-05T23:20:00.000-08:00

I really fail to see why this counts as humor. I was terrified.

A little about Clint Punch

2007-03-05T23:04:00.000-08:00

I am aware that this is a MySpace quiz, but I don't care.

1. So, what did you do all day?:

Ate hammers. What's it to ya?

2. What is the most expensive thing you've bought recently?

An oversized bag of spanners, which I shot through a cannon into a pack of birds.

3. Last concert (or show) you attended:

I was just standing in this supermarket. Wasn't really a show. But then Chuck Norris showed up and punch some guy's head into dust.

4. Coolest thing you've gotten in the mail lately:

A gun.

5. Describe your favorite article of clothing:

My belt. Reason being it's the mid-point between the package and the abs, and it's essential because if it take it off for just one second, they start fighting.

6. Last video game played:

Street Fighter...Oh, wait, video game? Nah. I just beat some pussy who had a health bar.

7. How many CDs do you have by any ONE artist or group?:

The entire discography of Chuck Norris and the Roundhouse Five. It's just one single, entitled, "Beef" and it's still better than techno.

8. What's for dinner?:

Steak. Duh.

9. Do you have any collections?:

Not really. Do you count an extensive collection of forehead scars from where I've headbutted people, walls and lightbulbs.

10. What was the last board game you played?:

Chess. First move, I won. I lost on the rematch, but then I set the board alight and headbutted my opponent.

11. Who won?:

Ultimately, me. Forever, and Mr Intensive-Care knows it too.

12. Do you subscribe to any magazines?

Lumberjack Monthly, Woodcraft Bi-Monthly, and WOOD

13. Last movie you saw at a theater:

Dodgeball. It was terrible till Chuck Norris appeared.

14. Last movie you watched at home:

Dodgeball. Just the last scene.

15. Do you have any special traditions only you or your family does?

Other than kicking people's asses with pool cues in poorly-lit bar fights, no.

16. What was the last thing you created:

Havoc.

17. Are you reading any books right now?:

The Alphabet of Manliness. Kudos to Maddox.

18. Do you remember your favorite book from childhood?:

No. I just remember some book about some pussy-spider and some web or some crap. There was a pig too. What pussies.

19. What do you do when you can't fall asleep?:

Maim.

20. Have you ever randomly bumped into a actor/actress/or other generally famous person on the street?:

I bumped into Chuck Norris once on the street. Then he bumped into me. I spent 14 weeks in a coma. The best 14 weeks ever.

21. Are you more likely to read a book you've never read before if it's been made into a movie?:

Yes, if it has Chuck Norris.

22. Have you discovered what podcasts are yet? Do you have a favorite?:

No. Podcasts are for pussies who can't hunt for their sounds. They have to share.

23.What is your favorite kind of food that you only get to have once a year:

Flesh.

24. What's that noise?:

What's what noise? Oh, me sharpening a chisel with my chin, yeah I do that when I'm nervous.

25. Last dvd box set you bought?:

Chuck Norris: A Barely-Adequate Representation of What This Guy is Really Like.

26. Are there any musical artists that you used to like but don't anymore because their style of music changed too much?:

Spice Girls. Originally they were called Spice Men and sung a catchy tune called, "Barbed Wire in my Spine (I'm lovin' it!)". Them, and Vanilla Ice. You changed, VIP.

27. Are there any covers you think are better than the original?

No.

28. What food(s) do you go to the store for ASAP when you run out?:

Beef jerky. Steak.

29. Isn't there another appropriate response for "I love you" besides "I love you, too."?:

A kick straight in the face shows my love pretty well.

30. Last new artist that you listened to and really liked:

Wolfmother, just because it has Wolf in the title.

31. Last new one you hated:

K-Fed.

...Puuuuuuuuuuusssy.

32. In which country do you wish you'd been born?

Armenia. Centre of Man.

33. When was the last time you were scared shitless?:

I'm never scared.

34. Do you like it when old ladies refer to you as "Dear", or "Hon", or "Sugar"?:

No. I prefer "Sir" or "PLEASE STOP".

35. What is your favorite physical flaw:

My guns. They're too big...FOR YOUR FACE. Snap. Snap.

36. Share random fact about yourself:

I once dressed up as Shirley Temple. After that I hung myself, was sent to hell, where Chuck Norris was laying the smackdown on Satan for waking him, and upon seeing me, let me go, because apparently, "Satan won't be doing no 'eternal damnation' for a while."

37. What's the best field trip you ever went on?:

When we went to Maple Syrup Land and I fought a bear.

38. Have you ever dressed up for Halloween at work?:

Once, when I worked at the steel mill in Ohio. I went as a steel mill worker. Didn't go over well.

39. Do you have any clothes that you pilfered or inherited from your parents?:

My dad's bear-scrot hat. Reproductive goodness.

40. How old is "old" to you?:

I dunno. That redwood I just ate was pretty old. Uhh, 390.

41. What was the last free thing you've gotten?:

Free Will. FREE WILL TO KICK SOME ASS.

42. What's your favorite black and white movie?:

Gone With the Wind, when at the end Clark Gable laid the smackdown and was like, "NO. NO. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, B**TCH!"

43. What color would you like to bleed?:

Red. Not black like these emo pussies. That's another thing, don't let me get started on emos. SMACKDOWN for you.

44. Do you know any Furries?:

They sound like pussies.

45. If you have a wall calender, what kind is it?:

It's just a sheet of paper that says on it, "TODAY - Things to do: KICK ASS, do laundry."

46. Have you ever been to a convention?:

Yes. I went to a Cage-Fighting convention. I won 4 matches by KO, 1 by TKO, after I made my opponent eat part of the cage.

47. If you were to dress up as a musician, which one would you be?:

I don't "dress up", I MAN UP.

48. Do you have a thing about ruining new stuff by personalizing?:

What kind of OCD freak are you?

49. Ever have those moments when you realize that you somehow just cheated death?:

I never cheat death. I walk hand in hand with death and sometimes he comes over for a cuppa and a bicky.

50. Does it boggle your mind?:

No. Boggle is a pussy game with a lack of gunpowder and ginger ale.

(Quiz shamelessly ripped from the cold dead grasp of http://www.pimpmyspacesurvey.com)

Hello Everyone

2007-03-05T23:01:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone.

It's time to man up. Clint Punch is here and I'm going to tell you how to MAN UP! There is not enough manliness in the world, and until I see people eating raw steaks with shotguns, I'm not going to be satisfied!

There are two types of people in this world! Pussies, and Men! Pussies are the ones who are soft. Can't take a hit. Can't kill a wild goat with a spork. Can't chop down a tree with a 6 Volt battery, like I can. Then there's men. They know where "it" is at. They know the dealio, and they GOT IT DOWN.

It's time to MAN UP.

Clint.

p.s. I recently made the switch from MySpace to Blogspot. Reason being the 'Friends' issue. Clint Punch doesn't have friends - he has potential punchees.